tHrOUGH tHE EyeS oF aN aNGEL

just so you know

2006-06-10T23:43:00.000+08:00

I moved to a new blog since June 1st. Just tag if you happen to come across my *new* blog.

I might as well keep it private. *sigh*

So I guess this means goodbye.

practicum... here i come

2006-04-25T19:22:00.000+08:00

I've been out for two weeks, and thank God I'm able to update this blog now.

So much had happened. I just can't describe this thing I'm feeling right now.

The trip to Bora last week was a whole lotta fun. We were almost partying at night, and had ourselves relax in the afternoon. I had a tan, and it makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes I wish I had a darker complexion. I'm just too fair as you can see. Hah... But then I just have to be satisfied with what I have. Heh.

I'm not exactly happy to post this specific experience from Boracay. It just makes me feel so stupid that I totally lost my inhibitions the first night we were in Boracay that I ended up having a hang-over the next day just because of the very "encouraging" words/incantations from my sister (you happy now, punk?).

I got drunk during our first night there. And it was indeed my first time to get drunk. My sister led me to it. No no no... Don't be misled. I'm not alcoholic. We were just having fun at Pier One, my sister kept on telling me to drink. Paminsan-minsan lang naman eh... Gahd... I didn't exactly know what happened, but then all I know is that I ended up throwing-up in our room and then crashed at the break of dawn. In the afternoon, my head was aching madly that I couldn't get up from the bed. It was pathetic. It's a good thing Sam's there for me.

Ahk... Forget that stupid experience...

Lately I haven't been thinking. Somehow so much has been going on with my life, I haven't had the chance to just stop and think things over, meditate, look around and smell the roses.

I got that chance yesterday afternoon, while I waited for my sister to pick me up after classes. She was late, as usual. I found myself just thinking, thinking hard, thinking about shallow stuff, thinking, thinking, thinking.

And somehow it was just sooo... enlightening, refreshing, rewarding. I miss thinking. Time just flows so fast that I couldn't keep track of everything. Gahd...

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." --Ferris Bueller's Day Off

My summer class started yesterday. We're having a practicum for clinical psychology. And I have to admit that after that freakin' lecture yesterday, I think that I have to pass blogging and chatting for now. I just have to adjust with the crazy things around me and then hopefully, I can blog about a lot of things again.

I'm going to be a senior, in fact, I am already a senior. I'm just not sure about what after college may bring. See, I've got no plans... Well before, I had some but I totally trashed it since I thought it was kind of stupid... Rubbish...

In a medical school? Corporate? A guidance counselor? hah... Will I meet up with a bunch of psychos after this? Gahd... This is freaking me out.

Well, hmmm... So for now, bye.

another survey?

2006-04-25T19:08:00.000+08:00

My friend Bambie sent me this last week. I had decided to post this and share my thoughts with you.

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.(hohum...)
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/I've had braces
.[ ] I wear glasses/need them.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 afe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have (had) piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[x] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[x] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.(where would all the hard work go?)
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.
[x] I've skipped school.

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something (now don't ask)
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public

Health

[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[x] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've been an abuse victim.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.(the best game)
[x] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.(technically... i was the "cause" of that crash)
[ ] I've been skiing (boarding!)
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[x] I'm single.
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x] I've had someone cheat on me.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of commitment.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.(gahd)
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I love to flirt.(but it depends)
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime

[ ] I am a terrible liar
.[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol

[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I regularly drink.
[x] I've passed out from drinking.
[x] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I'm a stoner.
[ ] I've snorted cocaine.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic/have been.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self-harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.
[x] I've cried myself to sleep.
[ ] I see/have seen a therapist.

Death and Suicide

[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.(planned, actually)
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own a designer purse, costing over $100
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.[x]
I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[x] I own something from American Eagle.

Political/Social Attitudes

[ ] In general, I don't like people.
[ ] I'm a feminist.
[x] I'm outgoing.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I'm Democratic.
[ ] I'm Republican.
[x] I'm liberal.
[x] I don't like Bush because he is dumb.
[x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[ ] I am for Bush.
[ ] I'm religious.
[x] I dress fairly modestly.
[ ] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."

Random

[x] I can sing well.(not professionally... but im in tune.)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cellphone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[x] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I love being neat.
[x] I love Spam.
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.(significant ones)
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally honest

I honestly enjoyed answering this survey...

it's holy week

2006-04-11T22:20:00.001+08:00

It is indeed, holy week. And because of it, I'm giving up being online everyday... Most probably until Easter Sunday.

So, hmm...

Ok... Bye.

it's holy week

2006-04-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

And because of it, I'm giving up being online everyday... Most probably until Easter Sunday.

So, hmm...

Ok... Bye.

to the one who holds my heart

2006-04-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

"I Love you"...means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I don't wish to change you into someone else. It means that I do not expect perfection from you, just as you don't expect it from me.

"I love you "...means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with.

"I love you"...means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that i care enough to fight for what we have and that I love enough not to let you go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.

and now, i must say

2006-03-30T22:08:00.000+08:00

i've had enough of this already.

why can't people understand why i don't want to simply give my number to them and be textmates right away?

look, i'm not THAT kind of person. i usually give my number WHEN i actually meet someone in person. i already had a bad baaad experience dealing with some text mates whom i haven't actually met before. a lot of people were just messing around. i changed my sim card a number of times, and i got tired of it. now, i have learned from that experience, and i promised myself not to give out my number especially to people who i do not actually know well.

bakit ba ganon?

why is this happening now? every time i say that i choose not to let them know my number, sinasabi nila na hindi na raw nila ako kukulitin, hindi na raw nila ako kakausapin, hindi na raw sila manggugulo... and i always end up losing a friend in the end.

why? napaka-unfair naman nito for my part. why can't they just let me be? why can't they just understand my situation, why can't they respect that?

why can't they just let me be their friend afterwards?

ganon ba ang sukatan ng friendship? kung hindi mo binibigay ang number mo, hindi na ba kayo pwedeng maging friends?

i choose not to share. i choose to live up with my rules.

gahd... why is this unfair for my part? why?

to all those people who can't live up with that, i have something to tell you:

well then, it's your loss, brother.

and therefore, i blog again!

2006-03-27T18:04:00.000+08:00

and finally...

I've been out for quite some time now. I was just spending time with him all through out the week. I was just saddened by the fact that he's going to another place two months from now... =(... But then, he's still here. So, I don't have any butts of talking about him going to his kingdom far far away...

Yes... School's over... But I still have my summer classes. So, I'd still be b-u-s-y.

I haven't been online for a while. I missed this blog... Haaah... So much! I also miss chatting in YM.

Speaking of YM, haaah! I have to recognize my friend, Errol, for being such a nice guy. He just trusts me completely. He just makes me happy every time we chat in YM. Hehehe... He's funny too. I miss chatting with him...

. . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . .

i honestly don't know what to write.

i just want to update.

omigosh... i don't know na talaga.

i just can't understand my feelings...

my preoccupied mind... i just can't stop thinking about some things...

gahd... i'm so tense.

all i know is this this fact.

the world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this isn't going to work out between us. but i'm armed with one reason why it will:

i <3 U

feeling: so loved. i'm very much in-love.

darkness reigns

2006-03-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

Everyone holds a darkness in their hearts. They may not be aware of it, but it's there. Often buried deep inside. Waiting for a chance to show itself. Because it knows that, sooner or later, the chance will come.

The world is becoming a place of shadows as, more and more often, the darkness in our hearts find a way to the surface. Whatever the trigger may be, we let the darkness take ahold of us. And once it's on control, it won't let go easily. Not without a fight. Not without a death.

Sometimes I wonder why humanity has tried to survive. I look around myself and see only blackness, I see no light. People are around me, but they don't look human anymore. They look like wraiths. Whatever made them human has been consumed. And darkness reigns.

Myself, I know I have been touched by the shadows, I can feel it inside. I no longer experience anything positive and my hatred toward others keeps getting stronger as I get weaker. I am aware of the blackness in my heart, moving restlessly, waiting for the right moment to arise. And I want it to arise, I want to be freed of my doubts, my pain.. my humanity. If that means I'll have to give up on love as well, I don't mind. All that I've ever loved is dead. The darkness has consumed them, as it did with everything else. I'll accept it gladly.

I seem to remember, faintly, a time when I knew no despair. When I was happy and carefree and cared for. But, now that I think about it, those memories feel like dreams to me. Certainly, those feelings can't have had place in the world I live?

I seem to remember bright days, beautiful things... kind people. Love. Hope.

Those distant memories seem to be the only thing that's keeping the darkness away. Each passing day, I try to let them go, so the darkness may engulf me. I want to let them go. There's nothing left to hope for, anymore.

I keep waiting for the day to come, when I'll forget it all. Forget that I once had a past. Forget that I had plans for the future. There is no future left for me.

So I sit here in this dark corner (as dark as everything else in this world) and weep. And remember. And wait.

For a day will come when I'll forget. And then the darkness will know it's time. It'll take over me.

I sit here waiting for this day to come, a faint smile playing on my lips at the perspective of eternal peace. Finally.

. . .

Gosh... So the drama...

that.STUPID.CELLPHONE!!

2006-03-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Shit. How can I possibly be THIS STUPID?! How did I ever let this happen? And why did I ever let some damaged cellphone ruin something special that I truly--yes truly--treasure for?

AAAAAAAH!

I arrived home early today, and it's not the usual thing I do. I normally hang-out with friends during Fridays, but then I preferred to stay home and just be a couch potato for a night. I'm in a BAAAAAD BAAAAAAAD mood. I have to think things over, and finally release all this guilt that has been within me since yesterday.

He called a lot of times last night, yet I didn't even bother to pick up the phone. I don't know what to say to him...

We saw each other earlier. He approached me, but before he could actually face me, I turned and walked away from him. Hindi ko alam kung anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa kanya... It was a foolish mistake... I don't know what made me walk away. Maybe it was because of this guilt building up within me, or maybe this irrational pride that controls my thoughts. I don't want to cry in front of many people. Shit.

That damned cellphone...

HAaaay nako... I really have to think things over after reading what he has to say.

You may think that I must really talk to him before everything gets lost. But let me tell you that everything has its own time. You may think na ang cause ng away namin is mababaw, yet it did came to the point when we were already yelling at each other. Haaay nako talaga...

Nevertheless, I'm bound to the fact that I have feelings for him. Yet we scarred each other--because of a stupid cellphone. And knowing the fact that we both considered a second chance after encountering rickety situations, I know that somehow, we can make things work. Rough roads are always part of a highway, and through time, we can surpass it eventually.

Again, I hate my stupid cellphone. Hate it because it can't catch a signal, hate it because of its crankiness, and hate it because it a-l-m-o-s-t ruined something I really treasure in my life.

And if you're reading this, I know you'll understand. c m b w t t c...

sigh.

2006-02-25T12:59:00.000+08:00

It should be illegal to be this in love

And if it were, I'd be locked up in jail now.

My Valentine weekend was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Friday started with me in a perky mood. I had to go to school at ten a.m. and that didn't even annoy me. I actually made an attempt to get along with people and even threw around compliments for all sorts of things - from nail polish color to their cuteness factor.

I was sincere but my own excessive niceness was starting to freak me out.

When all my responsibilities were over and done with, Jo and I flew to Shangri La where I was going meet Sam

It was role reversal Friday. I asked Sam to let me be the guy for a day.

He did a pretty good job at acting like a girl. He started sulking when I refused to let him buy me an overpriced coin bank.

Yes, the fat buddha was cute. Yes, the pug was even cuter. But I was adamant.

He was too.

"You don't like it," he said. He looks like a five-year-old when he wrinkles his brow like that.
"I do but it doesn't mean I want to take it home," I said.
"But I want you to save," he whined.
"I will," I said.

I wonder if he saw me crossing my fingers and toes.

The little pug was forgotten when we ran into my uncle. He was busy looking for a gift for my aunt and Sam and I got recruited into the search party.

We all agreed on an adorable bag that Gola designed for Mango.

With the gift safely nestled in a shopping bag, Sam and I said goodbye to my uncle.

We went to Haagen Dazs where we shared a scoop of Belgian Chocolate, played with mirrors, took pictures and bugged each other like we always do.

Soon, my mobile phone buzzed.

The driver was calling. It was time to leave.

Less than an hour later, Sam and I found ourselves sitting on monobloc chairs in the middle of a field, waiting for Brian McKnight Powered by audblog and Boyz II Men Powered by audblog to start singing.

In the middle of the wait, Polet, who was standing in line at that famous donuts store, SMSd.

Her message was surprisingly dramatic.

I called her, talked to her and passed the phone on to Sam.

Minutes later, she SMSd again.

"I'm glad ur with a man who has been giving u Valentine's since... well, ever since. I dnt tnk i'd have to warn him abt my connections 2 d Taiwanese Mafia if he breaks ur hart. I knw, he knws better. Uve found a home in him. It was in ur voice knina. My txt was a joke, yet u tot I was serious so u tried 2 share ur happiness wid me. I felt it, tnx! Bt jst so u know, I'm cursing all happy couples in baywalk. May their lips stick 2gedr hanggang di n cla makahinga."

I replied, Polet replied and Sam replied to Polet too.

Poelt then texted him, "Wt r u doing wasting ur tym texting me? Kiss her quick! Dnt reply. Enaf na."

And so he did.

The concert started.

It was good fun.

It was good fun even if there were bitches sitting behind us who kept moaning about how they needed to change their clothes and put on makeup and go to some bar in Makati and get drunk. They had us rolling our eyes a lot but that wasn't enough to ruin our night.

After the concert, we met up with Kev who watched the show too.

We stopped by a convenience store, bought drinks and pizzas and embarked on a tour around the city.

Strange group, the five of us were. Sam, Kev, me, the driver and Jo.

We brought Sam home, fetched Bambi and her friend from their own night out and brought Bambi's friend home before crawling to our own front doors.

Fell asleep with Sam on the other end of the line.

He woke me up in the morning, we talked and fell asleep again.

I woke up with a jolt, I had to dash to Makati to finish preparing my big surprise.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one rushing around.

With my surprise ready and me mad with excitement, I kept pestering Sam with phone calls.

But he was busy. And he refused to tell me where he was.

He was up to something, I could tell.

And that made me nervous.

I tried to relax by watching Love Affair and Angel Eyes.

It didn't work.

I called Sam again.

Me: "How many dates do you have today?"
Sam:"You're my third."
Me: "Ass."

And finally, minutes before I collapsed from the excitement and anxiety, Sam called to say he was outside Kostka Hall.

I opened the door so I could create the setup in the backseat. That was one of the last few steps in the execution of the plan. But I ended up getting surprised first.

There were several boxes in the back. And the first one contained a gorgeous heart-shaped cheesecake topped with fresh strawberries and dark chocolate and white chocolate balls.

Sam drove to my house. We needed to bring the cheesecake home before it melted.

On the way there, he handed me the second box.

I opened it and a pug with a purple kerchief stared up at me.

The same pug we almost fought over the previous day.

That had me laughing.

That's why he was being so secretive.

But there was more to that pug than I thought.

Sam had written me a letter and he slid it inside the pug.

"You can only read the letter after you have filled the coin bank up," he said with an evil glint in his eye.

And before my inner shopping monster could protest, he made things even more difficult. "And not with coins, with bills."

I fainted.

Well, no, I didn't.

I pouted, fluttered my eyelashes, glared at him and tried other tactics but nothing worked.

Sam remained firm. No savings, no letter.

He pulled over in front of my house and we went down with the cheesecake.

Mom greeted him warmly, introduced him to one of my aunts and they all ooohed and aaahed over the cake.

Less than five minutes later, we were out the door and were headed for another concert.

Traffic was bad and Sam started complaining that his knee was aching.

It was the perfect time for my surprise.

I would spare you the details.

I would, however, tell you that it was hilarious.

That it involved The Beatles, Aqua, Roxas Boulevard and a lot of noise.

And that I remember the disbelief on Sam's face when I told him, "I seriously think you should check the backseat."

I will never ever forget that moment.

Just minutes later, Jo SMSd, asking how the surprise went.

I told her Sam looked like he was going to faint.

Then I said to Jo, "ang sweet nitong lalaking to."

She replied, "ang bait kaya.siya na nga, forever! haha!"

And for the nth time that day, I felt like fainting.

We made the wise decision of parking blocks away from the concert venue to avoid traffic after the show.

We bought drinks from Figaro - milk for me and a choco smoothie for Sam - and returned to the car where he opened box number three. The sausage croissants were perfect - flaky and flavorful. Our picnic of sorts was a delight. And even if the three heart-shaped biscuits that Figaro gave us weren't exactly a treat for our tastebuds, they were nice to look at.

We walked to the concert, found our seats and discovered that we were surrounded by people I know.

Not that it made a difference.

Sam and I were in our own world.

Soon, Patti Austin Powered by audblog and James Ingram Powered by audblog were serenading us.

At one point, fireworks from another event lit up the sky, in perfect time with Patti Austin's a cappella version of In My

Life. That gave me goosebumps. I held onto Sam's hand tighter.

After the concert, we went to Little Asia for dinner.

The prawns wrapped with bacon and beef tenderloin rolls with cheese in teriyaki sauce were perfect, just like our days together.

At five in the morning, Sam finally caved. Blame it on the exhaustion from all the driving, blame it on the drowsiness, but he let me open the pug and read his letter.

As expected, it had me bawling.

"I love you Jas. I love you and your craziness. I love your smile. I love your voice...."

And this just killed me.

"I love your family..."

He made a list of things about me that had me crying and laughing and crying and laughing.

"Thanks for the beautiful weekend, boss," I said to Sam, resting my head on his shoulder.

He looked at me and smiled. "It's not yet over."

He was right. Because the next day, after our three-hour session at an overpriced bad studio, he fetched me and knocked me off my feet again.

after a long break.

2006-02-25T12:42:00.000+08:00

I'm not blogging again... So much has happened, and I don't like me not being able to write about it. I don't know, I always want to write about EVERYTHING, like up to the last detail, as in everything everything. And also write ALWAYS, all the time, as much as possible. But somehow I can't, and maybe I don't want to. I really don't know.

I guess it's because I'm not depressed anymore. DUH. I'm happily _______!!! In spite of all the f*ck*d up shit that comes along with it I am actually happy. Wait, I am JOYFUL. Because of ___. And since I find myself writing more and writing well usually only when I'm so freaking melancholic, my blogs and journals are particularly bare these days.

I guess it's also because I've got such a wonderful support system, I can just let it all out and curse madly and whatever. To everyone who has patiently listened to me, THANK YOU. (Even though almost all of you won't be able to read this anyway.)

And also because I've been having headaches everyday lately. I find myself tired as soon I go home. And so I even sleep early.

Anyway I'm tired of blabbing. I'm supposed to be busy doing stuff. Ahaha.

back to love

2006-01-29T19:53:00.000+08:00

This is not me--and enough of my friends have told me so.

This whole feeling sorry for myself and all that-It's just NOT me, and I know it. Whoever this martyr-like, retarded person is, I don't like her and I want her to go away immediately.

I want the fiery, fiesty, confident one back. The one who could hold her head up high in the middle of chaos and is the one telling people that it will be ok, not the one who keeps bugging that person about when this is all going to end. I miss the one who knew which battles she could and should fight and which will just make her go crazy and aren't worth the trouble. The one who could just walk away when she had to and the one knew not to sweat the small stuff.

I don't like this guarded girl. The one who is afraid to open up because she doesn't see the point. The one who got burned and keeps picking on the wounds so they don't heal completely. The one who wants to rage and scream instead of being the bigger person and just walking away.

I worked too hard and went through too much to get to becoming the girl I loved being, just for me to say screw it now. What happend has nothing to do with me, because no matter what side I look at it from, it just wasn't about me. I acted out of love and with sincerety so my conscience is clear.

From now on, I won't beat myself up for feeling whatever I feel, but at the same time, I won't condone the behavior that directly opposes the path to my goal and the ideals I've set for myself.

Remember this day (and what an appropriate day it is), because today, I am starting the journey back to myself, so I can go into the world hands free from extra luggage I don't need, mind clear from all the smoke I have been surrounded by and heart open and unafraid.

Because that's who I AM.

so many things to say, a lot of things to do... and finally

2006-01-14T21:59:00.000+08:00

Hey! It's been quite a long time, hasn't it?

I've been going online for quite some time now, yet I haven't had the will to write an entry for this blog. I dunno why, maybe because I was too preoccupied with other more important things.

If you'd like to know, Christmas and New Year was spent in Lola's house in Tarlac. It was sorta like a family reunion. So, as expected, a lot of people came.

I don't really have anything to say about it.

Anyway, to change the topic...

I've realized how I haven't been writing anything actually worth reading lately. Not that I have ever written anything of value. It's just that my entries these days are something I regard as crap, and I'm not liking it at all. Especially since it reflects my current state, how my life is right now, who I've been lately. I don't want to blame circumstances or whatever else, I know it's because I find myself being less and less of who I was before. I don't know exactly who I was before, or even who I am right now, but somewhere along last year, I know I have changed so much. I don't even know what exactly, or why, or how, but I really, really feel it. Boon or bane this change is, I don't really know. And I guess this change has affected everything, how I act, what I say, what I do, my way of thinking and yes, my writing, or the somewhat lack thereof.

I have always loved writing. It's even just now while I'm writing this entry that I have realized some of the things I've just said, and also probably everything else I'm about to say, and I find that actually cool. Writing is one of the very few things that I know I don't suck at that much.

And then sometimes I forget. Sometimes I have ideas or things I have thought about, but I am not able to write them soon enough and so I forget, and most of the time I'm not even actually able to write. There are just so many things going on with my life right now, and it's insane. I rarely even have time, or even the will, to be actually as philosophical or insightful as I usually am when I'm left alone to my thoughts, these days it happens mostly only when I'm talking to a person who can relate. Almost nothing really good or significant ever comes in my head anymore, and I loathe it, and even more so because I really can't point out a reason as to why it is that way.

I can just easily say that the reason I find myself in no condition to write lately is because of all that I have to do, and should do, and the many freaking things I have to worry about. But when I think about it, I know everything that is happening to me right now shouldn't be considered as the main reason why I'm severely lacking and sucking in writing. I think the problem really lies on how I am these days, and how I feel. Which I guess I don't want to elaborate on further, because it confuses me even more, and because I honestly can't understand it myself, and because I know I have been overthinking about this too much. It's just that I miss the rather different writer that used to be in me, and that apparently I'm not really liking all that is happening to me right now, and that I somehow want that old me back.

Maybe because I'm too worried for a friend... He doesn't tell me anything, yet I know what's really going on with his life.

You can talk to me... Now, everything seems to be very clear. Dianne told me almost everything there is to know about what's going on.

finding neverland...

2005-12-20T21:22:00.000+08:00

The first tear I cried as a 19-year-old came from my left eye.

I agree with Jen. 'The best things in life aren't free. It pays to be me.'

Yes, I have changed. I have changed a good deal. I am not anymore the fragile little girl I once was. I have become stronger. I have learned to depend on myself. I have learned to put my happiness in my own hands, so that it would always be within reach. I have learned not to love too much, because anything in excess is just as bad as not having enough.

In retrospect, i still consider my high school days the happiest days of my life. Now, it seems that everything then was perfect. Those were the days I would thank God because I am alive. those were the days I felt complete. Those were the days I had wished for every single person in the world to be happy just like me. I always had good grades, I had great friends who are as emotionally high maintenance as I am, and best of all, I had the best boyfriend in the entire world. Too bad, good things always come to an end.

I am not saying I am not happy where I am now. Right now, I am enjoying a very high standard of living. I have already bought for myself a personal computer, a digital camera, a printer, a laptop, and loads of other stuff. I had even gone to malaysia just to have my hair fixed. and I am just 19. Sure I enjoy these things. But in life, you really can't have everything at the same time.

Sh*t. why did I even start all these drama? I got an email from Sam. I wrote him a lengthy email too but I just deleted it. I do not know what to tell him.

All I know is that I have never loved anyone else as much as I have loved him.

And we are a living testimony that life is unfair.

i feel different... and that's a good thing, i guess...

2005-12-19T21:24:00.000+08:00

What I felt about yesterday was different from what I felt today:

YESTERDAY:
=)
:sigh:
haaaahaaay...
:smile::sigh::smile:
haaaaahaaaaay!!!
:sigh:

TODAY:
Ever did something totally wrong, but you didn't realize at that time how bad it was? And then suddenly all the consequences come to you after a long time, and you remember everything, and you are just filled with so much regret. But of course you can't do anything about it, because it's done.

I wish, I wish, I wish for a time machine...

Anyways, forget about that...

Here comes my random thoughts:

-I thought about this just now, at this very moment: SOME girls are just too perky and sweet. Talking to them gives me a toothache.

-WHEN I see couples walking together, hands and fingers entwined, I feel a twinge inside right before a wave of warmth sweeps over my body. Good, I'd then think, smiling to myself. It still works for you. Love just doesn't seem to work for me anymore.

-Oh, that messed up time of your life!

-I'VE GOT these half-half relationships right now that when put together wouldn't even make a whole. No wonder I've been plagued by loneliness.

-I KNOW I made that really long list of the qualities that my man should possess. But I totally screw up every time I make a choice. Admittedly, the standards might be too high. But sometimes, I just really end up with the worst people. I've had guys who do not even bother to read what I write. I mean come on, these words that spew from my brain practically define who I am. I have friends who, instead of calling me, just visit this blog for updates. But there are those people who are supposedly close to me, who should know me in the most intimate ways, but they don't even bother to read what I have to say. It's kinda strange to have people I've never met know me better than they do because those people read my work. I have tried to change things, even going as far as saying, "Hey, read this, maybe you'll get to know me better." But the effort was futile. Oh well.

-Am I being unreasonable? Maybe this is just my ego talking. But no. I couldn't imagine spending eternity with a non-reader anyway.

NOW that I've unleashed the thoughts that have been running in my head the past days, I feel way lighter. I have completely purged myself. Okay, maybe not completely. But this is a definite improvement.

the ultimate wishlist

2005-12-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

"I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around
me, and so the feeling grows"

Yes, Christmas is all around. The cold breeze fills me in. The feeling
of peace and happiness is raging inside. Hah!

I'm just happy...

Anyways, here's my Christmas wishlist!

1.) iPOD nano-this is it. I'm so into music, if you may like to know.
And yes, I already have an iPOd mini. But it's just not enough. I'm not
being avaricious or anything related to that, but then, iPOD nano says
it and has it all. If you'll be kind enough to buy me one, gosh, I'll
love you forever. Hah!
2.)HP Pavilion zv6000 series-a laptop. I'm getting tired of my laptop
since it's so old na talaga, and it always "hangs" whenever I start to
save some documents, especially word documents, for my papers. Bugger,
I really need a new laptop. And above all, I prefer the HP Pavillion
av600 series. Hah!
3.)Canon PowerShot S80-as recommended by Zam. It's just too good for
vanity's sake. Just kidding.
4.)CDs of any of the ff. artists (original copies, please.):
-Hale
-Brownian Revival
-James Blunt
-Leanne Rimes
-The Calling
-Mymp
-any alternative/rock album of a nice band/artist
5.)iSight-a webcam. OUrs got busted a week ago. My sister overused it.
And we just need a new one for communication purposes. =)
6.)Spa and a really really REALLY good massage. I'm stressed-out.
7.)A Louis Vuitton Manhattan or Speedy bag- Every woman should have one
nice expensive bag that she takes care of. I never take care of mine
coz they're all cheap ones from H&M or Ukay so I don't care if they get
ruined. Of course I will if it's expensive. Haha.
8.)One week trip to Bora. Haah... I miss the beach.
9.)I'll be perfectly happy if you make me an mp3 CD full of music you
think I'll like.
10.)You can also pick me up and take me out for hot chocolate, and talk
to me all night and I'll be happy, too. Let me emphasize this: I'll be
very VERY HAPPY.=)

That's it. My wishlist. I hope you'll think about the stuff I wrote
here. Happy holidays!

the battle angel...

2005-12-03T11:15:00.000+08:00

The man I used to love ages ago used to call me his "battle angel."

Then today, someone told me that I am "a warrior at heart."

I have visions of myself in a suit of armour, cold metal helmet on, brandishing a sword and a heavy shield.

Nice image, but that is not really me. I like curling up in the dark, I find refuge in my mess of pillows and blankets.

Yes, sometimes the warrior lets her sword fall to the ground. When you catch her when her defenses are down, she might just let you in.

And whether you choose to kill her or be her ally is up to you.

HOW do you know it was the right choice when you never got the chance to give the other choice a shot?

new skin

2005-11-28T14:35:00.000+08:00

Yes, I have 'made' a new skin for my blog.

I have noticed that it has been a year that I've been loyal to my blog. Hurrah!

Why blue? Well, I've had enough of pink already. I just wanted to change it... That's all. No other reasons--no more, no less.

Yes, indeed, life is a never ending road. Well, it is an unending road for me. I still have more to experience, more to meet, and more to conquer. Hah!

I've been active in Friendster nowadays. It has been almost three months since I last opened my accounts! Take that--accountS, with an S. I've been just too preoccupied with other things. I was giving up in Friendster since a lot--take that--A LOT of people tend to copy my pictures and did their best to make them their own. They then baptize all my pictures with a whole lotta new names. Shit. My name is priceless. My parents gave my name to me. The HELL!

And then recently, I checked it out. I dunno why, I just did.

There were totally a number of messages, friend requests, and testimonials. Thank you my friends. I truly appreciate those messages despite the fact that I've been 'out' for such a long time. Thank you.

But then, like before, I can't answer all your messages since it would take me forever to answer all of them.

AND please, if you're asking for my number, I would definately not give them to you, unless we are introduced by a friend or if you would have the guts to really talk to me in person and then ask for my number.

I'm not that stupid to give my number to persons who I don't actually know.

Well guys, this is it for now. Sorry if I was too critical about the things that have been going on these days in my life. I've been tired designing a new skin for my blog. Check out my cbox! Tag in there guys!

feeling...

2005-11-24T12:30:00.000+08:00

Sunshine smiling on my face, it's a beautiful day and I'm feelin' good :)

Life is good, my mind is clear, it's time to relax, shiftin' back to first gear, my heart was so
weary, and I couldn't find peace, and I finally embraced it, when I learned to release. This is just the beginning, it'll get better I'm sure, coz there's nothing life throws at me, that I can't endure, I never thought I would get to this point, like sittin' on the beach with a drink and a fat joint, sometimes you just gotta weather the storm, to appreciate fully the rainbow it forms, rays of sunshine are finally coming through, the sky is clearing and the clouds are few, I can smile fully without having to fake it, after all the drama, didn't think I could take it, i went through the process, and ended up just fine, it's true that all wounds will eventually heal with time.

It's always been my motto to never look back, but with this one I would like to keep the memory intact, I want to remember everything from before, so I will recognize the feeling, when it happens once more. It's all love in my heart, can't mess with the hate, things fall apart, I won't argue with fate, everything in it's place, it's time to let it be, blowing kisses to the universe that is smiling down at me, maybe another time, on an extraordinary day, but regardless of what happens, I know we'll be okay... :)

Feelin' Good, Feelin' Great

It feels really good to breathe, to be able to remember and smile instead of feeling heavy with sadness. It feels good to know that I'm ok. I felt like something was bothering me for a week now, and I came to the realization that i felt weird because I wasn't used to feeling light anymore. I was so used to bad days that having a good one made me suspicious and feel like there was something wrong with me.

reflections...

2005-11-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

I learned a valuable lesson recently. It's something that people always say but I guess I was never ready to learn it until now. When you love someone, you allow them to go their way and blossom. You can't keep them in a place that won't allow them to grow in the way they may want to. Yes, it may hurt you because you want them in your life, but at the same time, it's the ultimate act of love when you can put aside your feelings and sacrifice your own desire to be with the person so that he/she can shine.

I have always been a firm believer that whatever is meant to be will eventually be, no matter how long it takes, and if it's not, it will die a natural death and everyone involved will be ok. I've been through a lot of emotional rollercoasters in my life, and each time, I find myself fine in the end...no more than fine-better. I learn lessons and become a bigger person. And because of those experiences and lessons, I can help other people. Life is a continuous process of learning and teaching, receiving and giving, exploring and returning...with all of us following our true north star. We are all different, but at the same time, we're all One. We are all searching, all looking for answers, all battling our own demons, and all trying to find our way to the same place. The paths may all be different but our destination all the same.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am thinking with a clear head. I know who I am, and I know what direction I am heading to. I know what I am capable of, and I know my weaknesses. I know that I have to stop letting other people's feelings and actions dictate how I should feel. For the first time in too long, I am believing that I Am strong, and yes, I am beautiful. I don't need to hear it from anyone, I know it deep within me.

to preserve or not to

2005-11-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

It's really hard when you're preserving yourself to someone and all of a sudden everything turns out bad...

Then you give yourself to someone else, without meaning, without emotions, without happiness, without love...whew! Whollotta regrets comes over and drools around...

You hurt that other person you're preserving yourself to, you also hurt the other person you gave yourself to..and worse, you hurt yourself for letting negative emotions run over your f#@king mind....silly but true.

Now I opt for "no committent" shows...maybe that'll work for me, maybe not. Atleast, I can screw around and not feel guilty of anything...Maybe my bestfriend was right all this time...I shouldve not made my heart rule over me...I had it...might as well use it...

I gave up already...I made up my mind...It's was my fault and this is the price I have to pay...question is, do I also get to hurt the guys that would come my way? i dont know...the hell I care!

I dont feel anything anymore..I feel so numb...

I just hope I can get over this..fast... before my emotions get over me again...and my regrets haunting me crazy...

I guess off to bora will make me a new person...a dumb-ass person! Something I will regret...and I'm letting my mind and body rule over me...

coz this is what I get for loving someone too much and get nothing in return....and i've already seen this coming and i promised myself to love for the last time...and indeed, it was the last...

so this is the new me...

"When letting go is impossible and holding on is unbearable.. how do you move on??"

DROWNING

2005-09-30T20:41:00.000+08:00

I am officially drowning in my thoughts.

I am definitely not in a happy place right now. I feel like a kid who spent a week in Disneyland and was forced to go back to school.

I went to my former therapist the other day and had a very enlightening talk with her. Although I did most of the talking, hearing my words really made me realize what a long way I have come. But at the same time, I realized that I am still battling the same demons that I always have, only now, I recognize them and I try to deal with them better. Self-awareness has always been a very important thing to me. I am constantly serching for who I am, and when I do feel like I'm getting close, something changes and I have nothing left to do but continue the search.

We talked a lot about someone who has made a big impact in my life. This "someone" is a person I truly admire, for his determination, talent and all-around good nature as a person. For the first time ever, I was loving someone for who he is, and not what he is in connection to me, or how he made me feel or what he could do for me. I am loving someone I respect and truly, selflessly care about.

The more I spoke of him, the more I realized that there could never be hate between us. If you think about it, there is pain because there is love. I realized that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, in order for you to see the other person succeed and be happy. It's never easy, it hurts a lot, sometimes you don't know what to do or think, but if you are true to yourself, you'll be able to recognize that somewhere in your weakness, there is the strength to let go.

I have asked myself so many questions in the past two weeks, and with some of them, the answers came almost instantly, but with others, it took a little more time, tears and frustration. My friend Cha wrote an entry in her blog recently entitled "Crazy that killer feeling". This is the one time I had that crazy killer feeling in my life. I felt the excitement and adrenaline of jumping off a plane, the eager anticipation of the future, the breathlessness and dizziness that engulfs you when you're in-love. I felt like the whole world was inside me. I still feel it when I see him.

Unfortunately, love isn't always enough. You can love until your heart bleeds but there are no guarantees, there are no promises that tomorrow will be as good as yesterday, or that your love is enough for things to be ok.

I hate getting hurt, but at the same time it's what drives me to be stronger. It's what makes me realize that I am whole on my own. It really tests my self-confidence, my appreciation for myself and makes me wonder what's wrong with me, but at the same time, it helps me discover that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

Thank you to that half-Venezuelan model with the words "Crazy that killer feeling" tattooed on his arm. He said it was there because he didn't have it, because it makes me realize how lucky I am to have experienced it and how much I am looking forward to feeling it again.

my crazy killer feeling....don't ever forget what we talked about tonight...

To Me, From ME

2005-09-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

You are right. Sometimes, things are better off to be left uknown, such as the details of someone else's life. Because once you realize what that person has, you are starting to believe that life is unfair, bestowing others what you want to have but can't.

Remember that life is always fair. It is fair in its own way. The only problem is that you are too greedy, always wanting more than what you are offered.

Remember that while you have your eyes on what's not yours in someone else's life, millions have their eyes on what is yours in your life.

Remember to focus on walking down this road with unchanging composure and confidence, until you reach the end.

Remember to keep your eyes straight ahead at what's to come in the future and keep your hands on your own proud creations.

Do not look around. Do not peek into the lives of others. Do not long for what is not yours. Do not believe the superficial beauty of a forged tale.

Your wonderful life belongs to you and only you. Take care of it, and let its beauty bloom for you. Leave those irrelevant lives to others to care for.

Remember to smile.

an ending

2005-08-23T05:25:00.000+08:00

There were many things I wanted to write about but they're all on hold at the moment.

My lolo (Dad's side), passed away four days(August 12, 2005) after my birthday (August 8, 2005) after a long, bitter struggle with cancer. I arrived by his bedside 30 minutes too late. I'm at a loss over what angle to write from about the experience.

On one hand, it's the end of an era. The family patriarch has fallen, the cornerstone is no more, and I can't help but feel that we will now slowly become a scattered lot. My uncle remarked earlier this morning that with the death of my lolo, he and his siblings are now orphans. Even at age 40, being orphaned seems like a shaking experience: for the first time, you truly are alone and responsible for your own life. There's no parent figure to give you advice or help you out. You're on your own. It your time now.

I feel that we've all been officially "promoted" to higher titles. I am no longer a grandchild, I am now an aunt. I'm not one of the children anymore and feel as if I have to step aside and make room for the new generation that's fast coming our way. It's my time as well. An old order has passed away. Even my lolo's house, where we gather as a family every Sunday seems to be grieving. As they carried his sheet-wrapped body out of the house on a gurney, the house seemed to exhale, to sigh. It's a home that has lost it's center.

On the other hand, I lost the grandfather that I was only beginning to get to know and love before he succumbed to his illness. He was always a bit distant when I was growing up and I never found reason to talk to him. He was lawyer, an intelligent and hardworking man of principle and integrity. He was a Harvard graduate and spent most of his life running the law firm that he founded and co-owned. He was also a staunch follower of the Opus Dei. He never came off as an approachable man, and stayed out of the affairs of his children and grandchildren, that is, until my grandmother passed away two years ago. It was then that he had a sort of awakening and realized that he had a family he barely knew. He began to be more present, to be more talkative, and began to reach out to each and every one of us, although a bit awkwardly at first. He also began to be more adventurous, and it was (surpisingly) he who suggested that we all go on an African safari. I was one of the lucky grandchildren who was able to spend some time with him during the last few months of his healthy life. We spent two weeks together chasing rhinos and lions through the African wilderness, and drifting down hippo-inhabited streams. I had breakfast beside him every morning because I wanted to hear stories on how he met my lola, hear about him talk about his favorite books, and his favorite movies.

I had never seen him so happy and carefree, and it was on that trip that I discovered that my lolo was a caring, warm, loveable, and witty person; and he was funny, as in genuinely funny!I will always remember my lolo smiling his goofy smile, his eyes almost disappearing behind his yellow-tinted glasses, as we watched the orange African sunset; or getting excited and talking too loudly every time we'd be on the trail of a leopard even though our guide would remind us repeatedly to keep quiet in the wilderness. Oh, lolo, maybe your heaven will be Africa.

We found out he had cancer about 2 weeks after we got back, and before despair wrapped its tentacles around him and dragged him down to an iretrievable depth, my sister, my cousin, and I would spend nights with him reading to him from his prayer book, or asking him to interpret old poems written in indecipherable English. I loved hearing him impart his wisdom on us, always with a touch of humor and that loveable sarcasm he had. We would laugh, he, my brother, my cousin, and I. We had never laughed with my lolo before. Despair killed him way before the cancer did, and he slowly shrunk to skin and bones during his last months. I no longer knew what to say to him and stayed away mostly. I guess I just didn't know how to reach out to him.

We cremated him last August 14 in the afternoon, There was the wake, the mourning, the family members arriving from all over, until yesterday (his 9th day). I'm happy that he is free from his prison.

ano ba?!

2005-08-23T05:01:00.000+08:00

Damn these strangers trying to get on my account! I've gotten 4 calls the past few days from total strangers. One of them even had the gall to message me things like "where are you?". And when I asked him who he was (just in case he might be someone I actually know), his only answer was "yes". I mean, come on! To me it's the equivalent of making prank calls. Besides, it's so stalker-ish!

That's the problem with the internet. The world becomes so small! Anyone with a modem can reach you.

Come on guys, people deserve privacy with regards to their celphone numbers, e-mail addresses, messenger services (YM, MSN, AOL, etc.) and internet telephony services. Whatever reason you have for contacting me, whether you even know who I am or not, it's not cool. If I don't know you, I will block you. No I do not want to talk to you unless you've got a good reason (i.e. business proposal, long lost relative, etc). Even then, e-mail me or contact me in a way a decent person would.

Sometimes you just gotta grab the bull by the balls when it comes to matters regarding privacy. It's one of those no-win situations wherein if you entertain one stranger, all the other strangers feel like they deserve to be entertained too. Sometimes it's better to just say no.

Rants.

2005-08-21T09:54:00.000+08:00

Come rant with me. Has the past week (or weeks) been rife with frustrations? Have you or the people around you been screwing up royally? Texts gone unanswered, phone calls never returned, friends non-committal, delays, misunderstandings, plain old incompetence slapping you left and right? Well, if you are like any normal hot blooded individual I can bet with my own blood boiling in my veins that you came pretty close to just losing it or fuhgeddahbout-ing whatever it was you wanted to achieve.

Obviously, we cannot change the world in a day. Or even in a hundred, but we can certainly do our part to make sure that on our little patch of earth, we are contributing in a positive way to the rest of the society. Unless you are born without any human compassion, or a conscience, then it may be the time that you start throwing mundane excuses out the door. It's not about living a normal life, it's about living an extraordinary existence. Sounds too poetic, overly dramatic and damn near unachievable, right? If you don't even try to be a cut above the rest, then you have already banished yourself to be just like the rest. So again, when everyone else has lowered their standards... up yours.

If you are to be known for something then let people know that you are considerate enough with the awareness of time to allow for more things to be achieved during the day. Hey, the world does not and never will revolve around you, bigshot, that’s what the sun is for. If people around you have lowered their expectations of time-keeping then up yours. Time is gold, as the cliché goes.

Maybe I'm too idealistic, and maybe my expectations are too high. But honestly, I am convinced that there are loads of people out there from the very young to the very old who still believe in progress and not just on economic scale but on the maturity one.

End of rant.

I just don't feel good nowadays. Someone so close to me has just passed away four days after my birthday. And it's just so depressing.

I feel persecuted, prejudiced, sentenced... I feel numb.

Should I really feel this way?

on us pinoys

2005-07-30T13:00:00.000+08:00

the concept of being "half".

it amuses me to remember the times when i was a kid na payabangan kami ng friends na "ah ako half-ganito", "talaga? ako naman half-ganyan."

i remember boasting to be "one-fourth" since my dad's lolo was pure chinese. i also remember friends who in our childlike innocence then claimed to be "half pinoy, an eighth spanish, a fourth chinese, and a fourth american". or something like that. why? hahaha! i can't help but laugh when i remember those times. we're pure pinoy!! hay. did we claim or do we claim to be "half-whatever" cause we thought or think we would be "cool" if we had mixed blood? i don't know.. in my case, i admit that i think i had that claim cause i thought people would find me "cool" that my relatives spoke chinese or i had a really sharp nose cause of this "half-bloodedness". but do i think its cool now? well i have absolutely nothing against real "half-blooded" filipinos, however us true blue pinoys have to be proud that we're pinoy. what's cool is to be proud that you're pure pinoy.

hoy, pinoy ako!!!

thanks to bamboo for the pinoy pride song that makes everyone proud to be pinoy.

i'm just being so nationalistic nowadays, considering the conflicts occurring here in the country. i know there is still hope in the midst of all fiascos.

currently feeling hopeful...

my thoughts as a child

2005-07-30T12:10:00.000+08:00

on revenge.

close to tears, i come running to my mom saying, "mommy, mommy si achie jam (my sister) o! inaaway ako.."

"then you should do something to defend yourself or get back at her," my mom was quick to reply.

a few minutes later i come running back to my mom, but this time with a satisfied smirk on my face. "hehehe, mama, i did something na.. hehehe.."

"o, what did you do," my mom curiously asked.

"hehe.. i put coffee in her water."

on socio-economic status.

having been born and raised in the city lights of makati, my mom wanted to immerse us kids in the simple province life of san pablo, laguna, where she was born and raised. she showed us everything, from the coconut trees she climbed, to the sapa where they swam, from the poso where they used to pump water from, to the bahay kubos they used to hang out in. a very natural and comfortable atmosphere, very different from the commercial and fast-paced environment i knew. after some thinking (or so i presume), i tugged on my mom's shirt to tell her something. "mama, kayo pala you were a little poor. kami now we're a little rich."

on the culinary arts.

allow me to share a recipe i wrote before for ice cream.

ingredients:

fruit of your choice milk spoon refrigerator procedure:
1 - crush the fruit with the spoon
2 - place in the refrigerator
3 - oh, don't forget the milk

tsk, tsk. kids say the darnest things.

philosophy orals

2005-07-17T12:59:00.000+08:00

I had the last Philosophy orals of my life yesterday (that is, unless I fail and have to take it again).

Tagalog Philosophy orals (or "pagbigkas na pagsusulit") are never just orals for me. My inability to speak decent Tagalog has been one of my major inferiorities since the days my classmates would taunt me in grade school. I grew up believing I was bad in Tagalog, and to this day remain lacking in confidence in ever being able to master the language.

Hence, Tagalog philosophy has been one of my biggest college frustrations. I never cared about passing math with flying colors, and was perfectly satisfied with the "3" I got in Economics. But Philosophy is a subject you want to do well in. I've never had trouble with subjects that dealt with rhetoric, and abstract ideas. It seemed that it was only proper that I do well in Philosophy.

It was such a cruel twist of fate that I was given 3 semesters of Tagalog Philosophy during my stay here in Ateneo. It was always an absolute frustration that any intelligent idea I had was always reduced to gibberish everytime I tried to express it in Tagalog. I always felt so impotent in class. What made it worse was that I always loved the lesson. The feeling of doing badly badly in a subject you love can be likened to that of being scorned by your object of admiration. It bites.

Furthermore, Philosophy teachers are the kind of teachers you want to live up to. They're the kind of teachers you want to impress. I never cared to surpass any of my math teachers. I didn't care if I left them thinking I was a mathematical dunce. Philosophy, however, is a class you don't want to be remembered being stupid in.

So back to my Philosophy orals:

As you all know, I'm terrified of my teacher, Mr. Mariano. I have spent the entire semester trying to blend into my seat. I have spent all our class meeting praying to God that he doesn't draw my index card from the pile and call me for recitation.

For my last orals, I studied extensively. I spent two days pouring over notes, handouts, philo-books.

Last thursday night, I tossed and turned in my sleep, and woke up tense and sweating, reciting Kantian propositions, and thesis statements in my head. “Categorical imperative!”, I gasped. "Greater Happiness Principle!"

In the morning, I woke up an hour earlier than my alarm, and started studying again. Pale, ashen, and tired, I ate a breakfast of corned beef and rice.

An hour before the orals, I decided to wear my prettiest, white skirt, the one that makes me look like a little girl going to a tea party. "If I should fail in the eyes of Mike Mariano", I thought, "then I shall do so in style". I hoped that the tea-party skirt, and the lack of accessories would provide me with a needed aura of vulnerability. Call me crazy, but I needed every weapon I had in my arsenal.

I prayed.

Feeling dizzy and a little faint, I sat down outside the Philosophy department twenty minutes before my exam, praying, trying to inspire confidence in myself, while a toad watched me from under a nearby bush. And finally, it was ten thirty. Time for the encounter with Mike Mariano. With a deep breath, I and my white skirt sauntered into the room.

I rolled the dice. I answered the thesis.

I was a little taken back by my teacher's calm disposition. Gone were his characteristic sarcasm and unwavering glare. Maybe because it was so early. I don't know. Or maybe he decided to take pity on me (or maybe it was the white skirt). But he was a little calmer than usual, and shall I say, gentle. Maybe he thinks I'm beyond hope and had already decided to flunk me beforehand. :-p

Another weird thing is that he addressed me as Jasmine for the first time and not "Cojuangco". Hahahah!

I don't think I gave brilliant answers, but I'm pretty sure I gave well-researched ones, and when he dismissed me, I felt my heart soar high above the ceiling of Dela Costa Hall. I was done with Philosophy orals!!!

From that point onwards, nothing could ruin my day.

here i go again

2005-07-14T17:00:00.000+08:00

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
You are a woman and scorned you are
Hell hath no temper like you
The pain and suffering you will host
Revelations would fail to foretell
Only you could spell
Casting misery on the traitors
Gnashing teeth it will cause
Mixing potions for the demons
Polar frost and hot variations
Wretched grief and extreme sadness
For the man who mocked you
Spreading pestilence
And the ill of destruction

Hello my dear friends! After a rather long break from blogging (because of school, services, family, friends, problems, etc. that kept me so darn busy!) I'm back to my regular updates.

I'm so sick and tired of posting emotional-i'm-so-sick-of-my-life-situations here in my blog. I think I must change my "topics" here in the blog. Now, I'm going to post about labyrinths.

It has been a while since I had written anything. School and its lethal claws have undoubtedly massacred what was left of my usually productive brain. My muses must've gone on strike and they haven't stopped their clamor. My senses have been numbed by a moronic way to just pass a test. Though frozen, I can still feel a scorching fire deep within my skin, my flesh and my bones -- my soul must be crying for liberation.

It's futile to tap into my emotions now. As I've said, I'm numbed to the core. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a vast desert, with no idea which way to go. The way used to be crystal clear. It was just straight ahead -- the road was sleek and smooth. A leisurely walk would get me where I want to go. I didn't need to worry about the hot sun. The acacia trees along the road shaded me. Then sometimes, if I felt like running, I ran as fast as I could, flailing my arms like a maniac. Nobody noticed, because nobody was really there. I was alone and happy. I loved the Labyrinth at the park. It was exciting -- that pseudo-feeling of being lost and trapped forever. I loved it, even if I felt the walls were closing in. I was claustrophobic. I was nine.

Fast forward. A decade. To the present I call hell. My sanity is lost somewhere in the middle of foreign mouths and colored hair. It is in limbo. But there is still hope for salvation. I repeat that over and over again until it has become my mantra. There is still hope for salvation.

I haven't tried to get out of the labyrinth I got myself into. If I tried, the crisp crackling of the leaves under my feet would move me to nostalgia. Nostalgia is not good to a fragmented soul. I used to love that sound -- the crisp crackling of the leaves. Things certainly have changed. My thoughts and my priorities have changed. Only my passion has stayed the same. Without passion, I might as well be dead. I am a circle, and without my center I would cease to exist. My passion is my center. My passion is to create -- to use words and letters, manipulate notes and music, and transform ink and color into creation. And ultimately to share the pain or happiness I passed on to every poem, every story, every song, and every portrait.

My passion would be blown away by a cold wind if I don't pick up the broken pieces of my soul. I need to reclaim them among the decaying leaves. But there is so little time. The walls of the labyrinth are closing in.

My sanity is in limbo -- and there is no hope for salvation.

pathetic

2005-07-03T16:04:00.000+08:00

Bwisit.

Umiiyak nanaman tong babaeng ittoooo.

Hay napaka-pathetic talaga ako.

Ano kAsiIi ehHHhhhh. GUSTO KO BIGYAN NG CHANCE ULIT TONG RELASYON NA TO!

Pero gusta ba niya? AYAN KASI! NAPAKA SELF-CENTERED KO! Puros "gusto ko" "gusto ko" "gusto ko." Eh siya? Gusto ba niya? Di ko naman siya kinausap bago ako nag-break. NAPAKA-TANGA KO TALAGA! Napakasalbahe! Walang regard tungkol sa iba!

:(

Pathetic. Wala akong magawa kundi mag-pity sa sarili ko.

At saka. HINDI AKO MARUNUNG MAGTAGALOG! ANO BA YAN! Puros ingles ng ingles.

Ok. Tagalog is too hard. Switch to English.

I dislike who I've become. I'm so fucking emotional, irrational, self-centered, and a fucking hot-headed psycho. I constantly whine and whine, and hate that I whine, but What do I do? I whine about my whining! What an Idiot! Grrr...

I just sit in my ditch of self-pity, wallowing on these useless tears.

God I'm too dramatic. napaka-OA talaga

Pull the fucking trigger.

//Bang Bang I'm fucking dead

[again, sorry for the UNkind words]

A dream

2005-06-27T06:07:00.000+08:00

You don`t have to test me, I Am For Real...

You don`t have to tell me, I Already Know...

You don`t have to explain to me,I Get It...

You don`t have to be afraid,I Am There...

You don`t have to worry about me,I Understand...

You don`t have to say you`re sorry, I Forgive You...

You don`t need to do anything, Because I Love You....

Except all you have to do, is Love Me Back....

Love me with all that comes with love, Love me fully defining the true meaning of love...

All you ever need to do, is Love Me....

I am here to confess... My FEAR.

A dream, a black and white dream, persistently occurs in my troubled sleep. I can't resist it. I can't fight it.

On a night that is cold and windy, I find myself standing on a bridge, feeling lost, confused and anxious. I look around, and realize that the bridge, on which I stand, connects two paths. I am standing directly facing one of the paths. I blankly stare ahead, and I see nothing except a dark hole; pitch black and frightening. Suddenly, a powerful voice roars in my mind, awakening my consciousness. It tells me that I shall go on and complete the this path that is laid in front of me, for this path is the safest route to my ultimate ending.

I try to lift my arms. They wouldn't move. I try to move my feet, only to find that they are stepping back. I am no longer the commander of my physical body. I realize that in this dream of mine, I am only my consciousness. Upon this thought, I see myself become a shallow ghost that rises above and floats about my immobile body.

So I watch her, as my body commands herself. She moves so swiftly, as if she is very determined upon her resolution. She turns to her right and look down the bridge. I look down too. For the first time I realize that there is water rushing below the bridge. It appears dark and furious on a night like this. Torrents of water runs like giant black snakes, being swallowed at the end of the darkness. I tremble upon the scene, but she smiles. She firmly holds onto the rail, and she throws her head back and looks triumphantly at the path I am meant to take on. Then, in a blink of eyes, she jumps down the bridge.

She is gone, gone with the torrents of water, gone with the dark night, gone with my wish for her, forever.

So she forfeits the safe path and pursues challenges.

So be it.

Alone I stand, on this shaky bridge. I am only a rootless floating consciousness, without a body, without a direction, without hope.

I understand that I will never complete this path ahead of me, and that I am left to die, on this shaky bridge, on this dark and cold night.

But I am happy now, because I know that the part of me that has gone with her, on the road of challenges, in the water of audacity, will forever live.

currently missing you...

Blinded by love

2005-06-19T12:13:00.000+08:00

"We are all victims of double vision; we blur our inner sight to see what we desire..."

It is never easy for one to look the truth in the eye. Perhaps your best friend is in a relationship and you have to bite your tongue every time you're asked what you think about his/her newest beau? All of a sudden this soul mate of yours has decided to join forces with a creep from hell. Even if creep from hell has not done anything directly to you, you can swear there is a lingering stench of brimstone when said creep is in the vicinity. I exaggerate of course, but I bet my left eyeball or ventricle that you know exactly what I mean. Your friend is not willing to listen to reason becoming oblivious to the obvious. And you? Have you ever been in love with someone that EVERYONE thought was so wrong for you? Yet you fought for your (ahem) love, and several years later when the dust cleared and the emotional damage is done you sheepishly face your friends steeling yourself for the usual "I told you so's."

EVen without family, friends (and even enemies) cajoling us, deep down, we KNOW more about our "better" (or worse) half than we care to admit. We are all victims of double vision; which doesn't mean that we see fantastic things twice but rather we blur our inner sight to see what we desire, leaving us "blind" to a harsher reality. When you have started to replace the person in front of you with the image that you want, then love ceases to exist. You start to make excuses for why he/she treats you this/that way, why he/she does/doesn't do this/that. When this starts to happen, your hearts' eyes need a checkup. But do you really want to see? If not, then you are destined to be nearsighted for a long and even painful time.

We may never have a formal institution or a Dr. Arroyo to fully explain what caused our heart temporary blindness. But we do possess something that can remind us of what may come to pass. Ironically, it's called hindsight, and it's always 20/20.

currently feeling anti-social... and kind of perverted...

Narcolepsy

2005-06-15T10:49:00.000+08:00

I have a good reason to believe that I have turned narcoleptic.

Normally, I can sit through two or three movies at a time. Now, watching one without drifting off seems almost impossible.

I fell asleep during Revenge of the Sith but that didn't bother me because it was long and I was not interested.

But a few days ago, I watched Sin City with my friends. It was brutal, it was fun, it was interesting and yet I kept nodding off. And nodding off.

Last June 7, we attended the premiere of Batman Begins. I was really into it but in the middle of the movie, I started sleeping again. I woke up every few minutes and focused on the movie before falling asleep again.

And the strange thing is, I totall enjoyed both movies.

I have many other symptoms of narcolepsy.

If you let me, I can stay in bed and sleep until 6 p.m. Yes, 6 p.m.

No matter how long I sleep, it never feels enough.

I just realized that whenever I'm home, I spend 90 percent of the time lying down.

There used to be a time when I could stay up for four days straight and still think clearly. Now, losing one night of sleep renders me useless.

Something's seriously wrong with me.

And I can't blame this on Dick. I think I'm going to blame it on Phoenix.

Or my horrible sleeping habits.

The Sandman finally caught up with me. And I'm paying my dues.

Knowing my terrible terrible track record, I'll be paying off my sleep debt for a long long long time.

I might as well sleep until I'm 43.

About other things...

I don't know why people have been bashing it, I liked House of Wax. People have just found it an easy target because of Paris Hilton. The effects were great, it was scary and brutal. And yes, I would have liked it even if Paris nor Chad wasn't there. Casting that kid from Nickelodeon's My Cousin Skeeter as Paris' boyfriend was a big mistake though. One, he still looks like a kid. Two, he's not hot enough. Lucky bastard.

stranded

2005-06-12T14:39:00.000+08:00

My love, it's been a long time since i cried and left you out of the blue. It's hard leaving you the way when i never really wanted to.
Self denial is a game so strange i never really should've wanted 'til there was you. Cause i have learned that love was beyond what human can imagine more it clears the more i gotta let you go.
'Cause what i don't understand is why i'm feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea. I could've just denied the truth and lied. Now why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground.
My love, it's been a long time since i cried and left you out of the blue. It's hard leaving you the way when i never really wanted to.
Self denial is a game so strange i never really should've wanted 'til there was you. Cause i have learned that love is a word just thrown a litlle bit too much of this excuse to fill this infinite of desire and nevere ever have to fade.
'Cause what i don’t understand is why i'm feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea. I could've just denied the truth and lied. Now why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground.
If all else fail, would you be there to love me? When all else fails, would you be brave to see right through me?

but why am i the only one standing, stranded on the same ground?

2005-05-24T15:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say.I'm at a loss for words, which is really weird if you know me. I guess sometimes saying nothing at all means everything. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I don't wanna overthink just yet. Or even think, for that matter.

song of the moment: Same Ground by Kitchie Nadal
currently feeling: longingness... i mishu also.

Rhetorical Questions

2005-05-23T04:40:00.000+08:00

To you:

Today my life has been changed in a way I cannot yet accept. I have so many questions running through my mind. Please consider my delicate heart. I am as a glass child and to lose you would shatter me. How is it that so much time spent loving and caring for a person can suddenly crumble to the ground? How can words of tender endearments suddenly be turned to comments of blind hatred and revenge? Why is change such a feared presence? Where is it we go when we step outside of the comfort of familiarity? How do we recreate joy when so much is trapped beneath the rubble of failure? Where is the strength to pick up all of the delicate shards that reflect the beauty of true love? Is there a cloth thick enough to wipe away the blood of our bleeding hearts? How can we absorb the surrounding happiness of our friends when our closest friendship has been sapped of any reminder of happiness? Why, if we still breathe, does life end until the rocky moment of acceptance?

How does love end?

It takes some getting use to. The transition between love and friendship is a blurry path. Please remember you have been in my shoes once before. And remember that time is of essence for our friendship, and our friendship is of essence for our survival.

Never

2005-05-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

You know what really, really sucks?

Finding that one thing you know would make you happy. The irreplacable truth that means all the world to you. The absolute reason why you still hold on. The only right that makes sense to you. The obssession you truly care about. The very fetish of your heart. The... everything. You know you're insane but damn, you know you've found it. You look everywhere and still nothing compares. And oh, how you long for it! You pine and pine and pine, you can't take this uncontrollable desire any longer...

And then just like that, you realize you will never get it... ever.

i'm back again... WHEE!

2005-05-03T07:06:00.000+08:00

Finally, I'm back here again in our home in Makati City. I was on vacation with my sister, cousins, and friends in Boracay. We were there for a week. Some of them are still there, others went to other places, but I decided to go home.

Indeed, I had so much fun there. Whenever I see sunrises and sunsets, it just gives me a feeling as if everything is perfect in the world; that I would surpass all the pains coming, and that I'll be happy again. The partying almost every night really made me so tired and weary. Imagine, I slept around 2am every day, and I wake up around 10am. The beach was cool too. Looking at the clear waters of the island just relaxes your senses. The white sand keeps you feeling all right.

The food, the people, the place... Wow...

It was just so amazing to behold.

But then, knowing the fact that there was no good internet cafe there made my stay there quite incomplete. Even though a friend brought a laptop, and even if her brother attached something to it to access the internet, I couldn't even borrow it directly from them for certain reasons.

But then now, I am overwhelmed by the fact that I can BLOG again. wheee!!!

If you remember what I said about my last post (which was a bit mushy; but really, it was mushy) about what I would do about my ship-wrecked lovelife, I decided that I would not do anything, for certain reasons, again. It's just that, it's too personal, and I like it when I keep it this way.

He was acting kinda strange lately. It's as if he gets tired all the time. Something's bothering him, that's for sure.

"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm totally fine..."

It looks to me that he is NOT "totally fine". But then, he still went to the nightly parties held in Bora. Sheesh... I don't know what's happening to him.

Anyways, when I got home yesterday, my mom was "shocked" or rather, surprised when she saw me and my Achie. It's just that, I got darker than before, as well as my sister. "I can't avoid the sun, mom!" Geez... But then, I like it. Heh...

My complexion would just go back in time. And then, I'll be lighter again.

xoxoxo thanks for noticing the facial wash, if you know what i mean... heh. cia was there too!

To all my readers, thank you for supporting my blog. Cheers!

currently feeling accomplished and popular.

tralalalahs of someone who tries her best to even perk up his life... clear enough?

2005-04-19T09:34:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, I (together with some friends) went to Araneta Colesium to watch the Rivermaya/Kitchie Nadal concert. Truly, there were a lot of people who came. It was just a total knockout, if you know what I mean.

Then, I realized, I like Rico Blanco so much! And how i wish I was Kitchie Nadal's sister!

dreaming again... (I'm just good in doing that)

But then you know, I'm pretty much contented with what I have right now. My achie Jam is very nice, and she's the best sister I could ever have (she's my only sister... heh). And I think I'm falling in love with someone...

Hellishh. I dunno what to do. It seems that I am falling for someone who falls in love with another person. And you know why it hurts so much? 'Coz he tells everything to me; what he feels for that other person, what he plans to do to make that other person happy... I mean, he even gets some ideas/pieces of advice from me!

Can't he see it? Couldn't he feel it???

yah... just like being a martyr.

Furthermore, he was also in the concert with his friends. I should've talked to him about the "feelings", but then when I was about to say something, he began to speak about the OTHER person. And that hurts so damn much!

Why would I be hurt anyway?, you may ask. But, he was once with me for like, 2 years. And then we remained friends (bestfriends, I may consider). And then with like a, BAM! He meets the other in the most unexpected place, the internet. And then now, he is falling in love.

What could I do? What could I do???

I don't want to be the witch from Snow White who goes and messes up the "Cinderella" life the other person has. I don't want to cause trouble.

But should I just shut up?

I may never know if he's reading this. But then if he does, I just hope we could talk. Maybe some things will be better or they will turn out the way they should be.

quotable quotes

2005-04-16T12:23:00.000+08:00

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."
I already heard this somewhere before, and I don't think this should be credited to them. But whatever, it is still good! Isn't it true enough?!

"May you never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in each other's arms. If you must steal, steal a kiss. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with your friends."
Cheesy, I KNOW. But I don't know, I still like it. It's kinda different and witty, I guess.

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise. you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the HELL did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you."
Oh my God. This is too sweet and too romantic! Help me find a guy who is just like this, please?

"You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you."
All I can say is: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww".

"Basic principles, there are none."
When it comes down to it, of course.

Like being a Martyr

2005-04-10T14:18:00.000+08:00

I haven't blog for quite some time now. I've been a tv-show addict lately. More like a 'couch potato', I must say. And I am busy with my 'summer job' with my friends. And I am planning for a vacation to Bora two weeks from now.

Sheesh... There are a lot of things that needs to be done. And I'm being a sloth-like person nowadays. If you only know what is going on...

Tarlac is nice. The people are so hospitable, simple, friendly, and kind. I had a lot of fun looking at the fields. Even though it's starting to become dry (like brownish) because of the summer heat, they still look so amazing while the wind blows on them. Dancing without music is the talent most people don't posses, if you know what i mean. There were a variety of animals there, like horses, carabaos, cows, chickens, fishes, etc.

I know there are lots of things that I missed while I was gone. Some of my friends spent their nights partying/bar-hopping, my cousins were on a vacation, my parents are into work. It's only my Achie Jam and my Lola who were with me for the past two weeks in Tarlac. I had a great time, I must say.

Thinking about love is inevitable. I'm always thinking about it. About the possible things that might happen later, about me getting hurt, and of course, about having a happy ending. That's what keeps wrecking on in my mind these days. And i just can't get it off my mind. 'Coz you know what? I don't want to.

How can people love other people without expecting their love in return? That is such a hellish, unexplicable, and stupid thing a person could ever do. It's just like being a 'martyr' all along.

If I would write my whole life/love story here in my blog, maybe just maybe, producers of the movie industry would crave in reading it and would eventually put it into film. Sheesh... I am dreaming away from reality once again.

currently feeling like a martyr... and i hate being like that.

the DEATH

2005-04-05T06:53:00.000+08:00

I feel sorry for the death of Pope John Paul II. In every way, he had been a great Pope, especially for us, the Filipinos. He has blessed the lives of all.

Memories of him will prevail. And let us all pray for his eternal repose.

women and apples

2005-04-05T04:52:00.000+08:00

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground, that aren't as good, but easy.......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men.... Men are like a fine wine.They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!!

currently feeling like an apple...

he's not worth it

2005-04-02T13:48:00.000+08:00

"It's not just a physical attraction, I love him for every single thing he is. Every word he says, every step he takes. This is something that will never die. I have tried to stay reasonable with this, but I just can't aymore. I just can't."

That statement came from a friend. She's just so caught up and in-love with her boyfriend. And to think of it, her boyfriend messes up in their relationship. And it is hurting her, BUT she's still on to him. And she's been crying for like, hours!

What is your problem? Better leave him. He's not worth your tears. The guy worth your tears won't make you cry. Now, that statement came from my bestfriend. Thanks.

I mean, they must "cool off" for a little while. And try to think some things up. And somehow, they'll know what they must do. They'll know what is the right thing to do. They can continue, or break up and still remain friends.

Easy for me to say...

I told her that they must talk about some issues then. And whatever may sum up, it's going to be a right one.

Oh my... talk seriously about certain things...

Sheeesh... I just hope I can also do that.

currently feeling anxious...

something to post here

2005-04-02T13:32:00.000+08:00

"Even if the sun refuses to shine, even if we live till different times, even if the ocean left the sea, there will still be you and me."

I've been thinking a lot nowadays. I'm here at my Lola's place while writing this blog. I've been here in the rural lands of Tarlac for quite a while now. I'm just having a break from an overly-demanding world in Makati. I'm not saying that Makati is not nice. Of course, it is a nice place. But then, it has memories which must be treasured, but i can't avoid the times those memories may *haunt* me.

If you just can't understand it well, you must not know me.

There are lots and lots of things about me that I can't even understand. There are things that make others question if I am the real me, Jasmine. I can't avoid those comments like, "Jas, is that you? Are you feeling fine ?" I mean, if you really know me, you'll just know.

I've been taking deep breaths once in a while. I'm trying to take it away...

**I look into your eyes in search of forever, hoping that I can see eternity within. As I breathe your name within every breath, as I see your face within my soul, I know that my life will live forever in this thought.**

Anyway, I feel fine these days. Finally, Achie Jam and I made up a plan that we'll go to Bora. And rest assured, we'll really go to Bora maybe two or three weeks from now. Maybe we'll be with some friends. More people, more fun.

I am just so desperate., if you know what I mean.

I hate being like that.

Le Dolce Vita

2005-03-29T11:44:00.000+08:00

There has always been that moment that we will always treasure in life; those short snippets in our lives where time itself seems to slow down. Where laughter, joy and love seem to dominate and radiate from within every single soul present, ah yes, as we live out our lives we learn to treasure such times. However there are also those dark moments, where everything seems bleak and the whole world seems to be plotting against you. It is these moments that dominate our lives which truly make our lives worth living.

It is such dark moments that truly make us treasure the blissful periods that we stumble upon throughout life. Without these bleak moments, life would indeed lose all meaning. Imagine a world without trouble or care, where these rare moments of joy were just a daily event. Being the ungrateful beings that we are we would of course take these precious moments for granted and yearn for more, instead of yearning for enlightenment and the secrets to life, we would yearn for material things, things of wealth.

Le Dolce Vita, loosely translated to the sweet life, or life is beautiful. We truly must learn to appreciate each passing second, hour, day and year. And I assure you, that I, and every single child that has ever been, would learn the significance of life; it is part of the parcel of life, through hardships we learn and eventually I, we, will mature into adulthood, and soon I too will be rambling about the good old days before my aching joints and arthritis, how young ones these days never appreciate what they have.

I guess each and every person would have to pass through this stage of life, but until then, I guess I’ll just take life one day at a time. And avoid thinking too deeply about the many secrets to life. For now it’s all parties and other acts of vandalism and childishness.

i've got nothing to do..

2005-03-28T14:34:00.000+08:00

Happy EASTER everyone!

Today is a new beginning...

Love comes in our lives in a tricky way. Sometimes we think that we're in love not knowing that we're just really friends but sometimes we stick too much to friendship and ignore the love we later on regret. Do you want to live with regret? Then take on risk; take on love!

A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious, not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And when you finally let go, you're free from any pain but your hands are empty.

Imagine love as a cloud of rain: it starts out whole and happy. Then, it spreads in all different directions. No matter where the raindrops fall, no matter how sad and broken they seem to be, all the "broken pieces" eventually come back together as a whole...

So whatever happens, love is love. If it's love, you'll just know.

currently feeling hopeful...

i bURN, i piNE, i pERiSH!

2005-03-25T04:10:00.000+08:00

Where has time gone?! It's too fast... And life's too crazy... And love's a major bummer...

I would love to say love sucks, but I know it doesn't. I don't even know if this is really love, all I know is it hurts. A lot, I might add. Sometimes I get so freaking sick and tired of it all I want to stop. I mean, who likes unrequited love?! But then "I can't go on on not loving you", and I'm back to the same old cycle.

It's too fucked up.

what could've been

2005-03-24T07:14:00.000+08:00

here i am in my room, with my laptop and thinking about what things to blog about...

"Regret is the biggest form of failure."

Don't you just hate how in the end, you wish you were able to do something you didn't choose to do? That you really wanted to do it, but because you were too chicken to take the risk you stopped yourself? By doing that something, you could have achieved something wonderful. And now you're mind's filled with "What could have been?"

I really, really hate that.

blah blahs during a sunday afternoon..

2005-03-21T05:39:00.000+08:00

i've been busy. i was thinking all week long, doing some important stuff, and feeling *depressed* all along... why does this have to happen to me? why can't i let go?

or maybe, i don't like to let go?

sheesh... i hate being like this: freaked, shocked, *hurt*, and frustrated. i feel like i'm getting older and older..

the song by jennylyn mercado and janno gibbs just kept playin' on my mind.. if i'm not in love with you.. tralahlalahlah... sheesh...!!!

what's going on between them? they're communicating.. how the hell can it happen? gosh, i thought that someone was him.. but i guess i'm wrong.

eversince school days stopped, the letters also stopped. it's ok with me, but then still, i don't know the guy. magpakilala ka na kasi...

for summer, i think we're going on a vacation. my ate suggests that we visit Bora. i think it's gonna be fine. maybe, i'll be free from stresses na.. ohh, hopefully..

i feel so alone... he's still a friend. we talk a lot. he calls me on the phone, chat for some time, go out together... we are friends. yes, we are...

currently feeling lonely and freAKED out...

tralalalalalah...

2005-03-14T09:57:00.000+08:00

People have always thought about love. There are songs and stories about it, from the bawdy lyrics of old Aquitaine, to the crooning words of modern pop singers. But most people wonder, "What is love? What is it like to be in love?"
It is funny, really, that the thing we humans are so fascinated in, is the thing I doubt we will ever fully grasp.
But I know. I am young, but I know.
It is the need of another person, physically, emotionally, and with such intensity that there is no world without that person. It is the deep joy you feel when he smiles at you; it is the yearning for his touch.
It is caring more for his happiness than your own, it is feeling his pleasure, and knowing that there is no greater reward than making him happy.That all sounds sappy, and I wouldn't have believed it before it happened to me. But truly, love is all those things and more.
Love is not something that is come upon lightly, it is too passionate, too all-consuming to arrive at quickly. But love is beyond questions, true and lasting love is an undeniable fact, a joyful force that becomes part of your very soul.
Another thing, the term 'falling in love' is very misleading, one doesn't just wake up and know one is in love. It is rather like moving from friends to best friends; it is a slow process, with many stages where one is not quite either. But when you get there, it is unquestionably true.
It is quite like a fairy tale, powerful and sweet, it is quite like the songs, a delirious mix of romance and lust.
Perhaps, after all, we humans have grasped love.

i have to post these

2005-03-11T14:06:00.000+08:00

I know I'm mature enough to decide some things in my life. I know I am sensitive enough to feel emptiness and sorrow. I know that some things that I had before can never come back to me unless a miracle would occur. I know I can't keep hold of all the tears that had been kept for so long. The moment I knew about the other, everything was set into a blur. It is inexplicable, a very bizarre moment that surged into me.
God, the moment I knew about... It caused soreness---throbbing into my very flesh. And I can’t exactly explain why. And then, I just knew...
I just still have that feeling...
And now, I cry cry and cry...

********

I still receive the letters from someone. With all the white roses... this statement came from his letter, and this, I want to share to you:

"...the red rose whispers of passion, and the white rose breathes of love; the red rose is a falcon, and the white rose is a dove; but I send you a cream-white rose bud, With a flush on its petal tips; for the love that is purest and sweetest, has a kiss of desire on its lips..."

He is sweet. Nice. Smooth...

I can't post the entire letters these days... I mean, the letters became more personal and I think it's best that I keep those to myself. Vague things are really becoming clear. And I'm just glad it is.

But in spite of everything, I'm still confused.

ohh.. the essence of life...

2005-03-11T09:59:00.000+08:00

Life. What an odd word with an even odder definition. You never really know what it means until you truly live life. It has a different meaning to every one of us. Some of us hate life, some of us love it, and some of us just don't really give a... Life is a truly perplexing situation. Even in the end you never truly know what the entire hubbub is all about. You're born, and then you die. Is there really more than just that?
As Nietzsche said, "There are no facts, only interpretations." Do we really know truth from fiction? Each of us has our own outlook, opinion, and say in what we and others do. We are entitled to that. Is life really as we see it? Probably not. It's just an interpretation of the vision our eyes give to our mind.
There is a gigantic world out there full of opinions and point of view from all sorts of people. It takes a strong or just stubborn person to avoid all of those influences and take in their own ideals. As I see life, we are just one big science experiment. We evolved along with our fellow earth. We are born from natural circumstances and we die of the same and cease to exist. That is why I believe in the quote by Gil Grisam of CSI, "If the world doesn't adapt to you, you must adapt to the world." The world is a gigantic place; one person cannot change its current course. You must adapt if you want to survive.
A part of me also believes that there is a greater existence out there that watches over. A great power that keeps us all in tune. It's intertwined in all of us and interlinks us to our fellow man. But some wish to ignore this bond and desecrate it. If only we could let go of our inbred hatred and just get along with the fellow species. Mankind is greedy and selfish, a survival of the fittest, as Darwin's theory states.
All in all, life is an incredibly crazy soap opera with twists and turns and weird story plots that just keep going in circles. Sometimes we learn from our mistakes and sometimes we have to do things over again until we understand. But life, that's something no one will understand entirely. No matter what research goes into it and experience, it will always be an enigma in which we will be ensnared into until our deaths and we are regenerated into soil within the earth.

inexplicable.. bizzare...

hurt pain... it kills me...

2005-03-05T15:29:00.000+08:00

<-->: do you like him?
<-?->:yes, coz he's totally nice..

ok... it's not easy how to explain what you feel. especially if it seems that your losing something you don't really own(but you still feel something pushing). it's just like, whaaat..?

okokok... i'll tell what i REALLY FEEL.

i'm hurt, dismayed, disappointed, crushed... it feels like something i've owned for so long is waliking away from me..... pain causing tears well up in my eyes (exaggerated). i mean, how can this be?

i thought 1/5 years is over.. 4 more years and it'll all be better. but then, it seems that i'm losing hope. how can he not possibly hold on?

a secret that i intended to keep. i still want to keep it. i must not lose faith. i'm not letting the secret out. i'm not letting what happened known by everyone.

so, i'm gonna stop here.

no, i'm never gonna lose hope. the answering machine says last october 20, 2003 at 22:17:09:

"my eyes have been mistaken for this to be true, an angel so low, an angel so bright; for its as if God himself has stolen two stars from the night sky, and hid them within your eyes---so one day you shall see the beauty within, the Angel i see. But above all, you became the Angel of my heart.."

it can't be...

2005-03-05T13:42:00.000+08:00

i have been totally busy. prof b. demands a lot from us. as in. A LOT. paper works, analysis, reports.. blah blah blah... sometimes i can't even notice new things around me. i am sooo preoccupied with these things. i'm dead tired.. i don't even have time to go to mcdo nowadays! i thought i'm never gonna be able to smile in a day.

but guess what? something always makes me smile everyday.

sweet thoughts from someone. i don't even know when this will end! (too frequent, very inevitable) i don't know when he will show up. i don't even know the guy! another letter?! with another white rose. tsk tsk tsk....

jas,

Each night before I sleep your sweet voice echoes through my mind. As I rest my head on my pillow a smile seeps through my soul, knowing that you, and you alone have made me whole.

Without you I would simply be surviving, but with you I am living life to the fullest. Because of you, my spirit has been rejuvenated.

The simplest pleasures in life bring me so much joy that it is hard to find the words to describe them. Even in our moods, regardless of the irritations of daily life you manage to make me laugh. The sound of your laughter rings through my ears and touches my heart. Our banter that may seem odd to others makes us giggle to no end.

It seems to me that what I feel is not of earth. I cannot yet comprehend this cloudless heaven. You're an angel in disguise that came down from the heavens to save me from feeling blue. I was struck by your simplicity and by your sweetness of speech and manner that it became difficult for me to shut you out of my mind. Your bewitching smile captivated my heart, and the more I tried to forget you the more I began to think of you, until it dawned upon me that I have fallen in love with you. anyway jas, i think this is pretty long. take care coz i care.

-someone

fallen in love?! Mmmmm...
it can't be *him*.. i think he's into someone else...
but... "take care coz i care..."

it can't be him. no no no..

but anyway, i'm still confused. a lot of things are just happening. a lot of people are asking me.. it just seems that i'm trying to find my way into the eye of the storm. gosh.. a lot of things are coming out of the blue. a lot of realizations...

nevertheless, i still don't know him...

i wanted to say things.. but i can't; coz i just CAN'T.

currently feeling very crappy... and confused...

AGAIN?! but, there's something more.

2005-03-02T15:02:00.000+08:00

a letter again. from 'someone' AGAIN.
but now, he added up something...
earlier, i was hurrying to go to philosophy class. and when i opened my locker, i saw another letter---but now, with a long stem white rose. gosh.. who is someone???

here's the letter today. (who are you???)

jas,

I have lived for a long time, responsible for and dependent upon no one, answering to no one and committed to no one except myself. During this period of my life, I considered the world mine for the taking and truly believed that I was living life to the fullest. Then, you came into the picture, and all of a sudden, I realized that I was deceiving myself.

I find that my life is not all that I thought it was. In fact, it is terribly lacking in many things, the foremost being love. Now, through some great fortune, I have found that love and along with it, the one person who can make my life truly complete.

You are that person, and I have somehow fallen in love with you. To be honest, I never thought I would ever utter those words, but now, they come forth effortlessly and with great sincerity. I'll be forever be grateful to you for showing me just how shallow my life was. At last, I have a chance to give it depth and purpose.

Until I hear from you, I remain totally yours in thought and spirit.

-someone

gosh.. that letter.. i have some people in mind. someone made something vague clear enough for me right now. tnx, u know who you are. =D

i just can't believe how 'someone' does it. i mean, how can he possibly open my locker? unless, one of my friends helps him out. (Mmmmm... bunny? rain? zam? or ditz??) it bothers me, you know. i mean, it seems that i'm being stalked and at the same time, liked by that 'someone'.

i don't know what to feel nor what it is to say. i mean, how can i possibly feel about someone whom i do not know? or maybe, i'm just too blind to "see" him?

currently feeling rather nosy...

another letter?!

2005-03-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

yes my readers.. another letter from someone. i don't really know how he opens my locker without me knowing... i just don't know how he does it.
but hey, i am not saying that i don't like those letters.. my point is that, i'm just wondering who that 'someone' is. honestly, the letters keep me sane.
here's what he wrote today:

jas,

I was sent down to earth for a mission, a mission to find someone that will complete me. I never thought that my task would be fulfilled till the very moment I met you. I had finally found the perfection that I had been seeking for all my life. At the very moment, I didn't believe my eyes as the girl that I thought only existed in fairytale now stood facing me. Staring at the moon each night, I saw your gentle smile, the smile that gave me the strength to make the impossible possible.

My affection for you grows each and everyday. I am totally addicted to you, and you're the only drug that kept me from dying. When I looked into those eyes of yours, I saw the real me, a person that lives for a goal and a purpose. I pray hard each day, just to hope that you and I can be in a relationship that is more than just friends someday. For now, I've written this letter to declare my love for you and I will be right here waiting for you.

-someone

haaaahh.. i am speechless.. as in zip.. sero... nadah..

my friends saw the letters already. of course they keep on asking me the same question. 'who is this someone??'

again, i must ask.. who is this someone???

i think there's something fishy going on.. i have people in mind...... maybe, just maybe, some of my friends are helping him place the letter in my locker.

i have NO IDEA!!!

currently feeling like a detective csi.

a love letter?

2005-02-25T13:21:00.000+08:00

a lot of things happened this week. and i can't exactly explain everything. what bothers me most are the letters. since monday, someone had left a letter in my locker. the letter contains sweet thoughts, i must say. no matter how much i wanted to react and say something to this "someone", i really can't talk to him. want to know why? 'coz i don't know him at all. he doesn't give a signature. and the letter is computyped.

a secret admirer? ha! Mmmmm...

having this is kinda sweet. i must really be honest with it. everyday, i see a letter in my locker from someone. i just want to share this to you, coz i think this was the "best" letter so far.. (heh!!!)

Jas,
Just as a poet needs inspiration to write a masterpiece, I need you ...
Just as an artist needs a subject for his work of art, I need you ...
Just as a teacher needs a pupil to mold into greatness, I need you ...
Just as a composer needs a theme to create a timeless melody, I need you ...
For without you, Jas, my life would be empty of all inspiration. There will be no work of art for me to gaze at; no person of greatness before me; no timeless melody to listen to. My life will exist in shades of gray instead of vibrant colors, and I will be less than whole.
In the past, the proper words have escaped me, and my innermost feelings have been kept locked away in the depths of my heart. No more - for through this letter, I proclaim to you, my undying love and eternal devotion.
-someone

i just don't know what to say.
i have some people in mind actually. im not that sure if he's the one who wrote this.

to someone: please, tell me who you are. so things can be clear. they're too vague to me right now.

currently faltering...

why do people fall in love?! why?

2005-02-17T13:15:00.000+08:00

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you can't do anything that can take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests, attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of love will come to you in full flower. Take hold of it and celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happen to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that just as freely, moves away. When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving,they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other person no longer love them, or try to get their love to change, thinking that if some small things were different, love would bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and accept it. You need to treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself inlove with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone in love with you but you don't love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with loveis how you deal with yourself. All our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you,and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it nor to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, andthey begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep it to your heart. Love has its time, its own season, its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. BE GLAD THAT IT CAME TO LIVE FOR A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.

If you keep your heart open, it will come again...

do i sound like a love doctor? heh. this is just my essay to be passed tomorrow for my psych class. i just want to share this to you. maybe, you, readers, can realize; just as i have.

currently smitten.. again... crappy too...

today is valentines day

2005-02-15T13:10:00.000+08:00

whaaaaat a day!
i am just so happy. everything turned out just fine.. hahaaay.. i am indeed, smitten!!!
when i woke up, there was a message left in the answering machine.. and oh gosh.. it was just so.. romantic.
then i arrived school. eveything was typical, people greeted 'happy valentines day', but then, one thing just 'blew me off my feet'... i saw three fully bloomed red roses in my locker. enclosed is a small note from *him*... i don't need to elaborate more what's written in the note. it's just between me and *him*.. (privacy pls).
i hurried to go to my socio class. when i arrived, another note was placed on my desk.. i just smiled.
fast forward>>>
afternoon came and we dated. we walked at the park like we used to do before, and talked at the bench by the 'artificial' pond.. we waited until 6pm.. he drove the car towards Old Manila in the penninsula. the dinner was very nice.. palatable and fine. with soft music surrounding.. candle lit.. we talked and talked..
after that, he drove me to this tall building.. then we went to the top floor and there, the real surprise came. it was sooo cool, relaxing, and indeed, romantic. he gave me a bouquet of roses.. red, white, and yellow ones.. gosh.. i just didn't know the right thing to say.
we rode, and saw things i never imagined i could abhore. i am just so happy...
he drove me home at 8pm. you may say it's too early, but then, i need to do some things at the house... as in...
even though i must arrive home early, i must say that the night was perfect. love is much sweeter the second time around. i am NOt saying i found the one.. i just can't help falling.. but then, i don't know what will happen next. if the time comes, i'll just let myself into love.. i don't even know if it's love...
another chance? why not? :sigh:
today, everything seemes perfect... woah...
p.s. thank you! i am happy... thanks a lot!

currently smitten!!!!

2005-02-14T11:53:00.000+08:00

it is a great opportunity to be able to be seen on philippine television; especially if, you are a model in a commercial..
i can't think of anything else to say... im currently smitten..
gosh.. the lovapalooza.. i was there.. but not to kiss.. i was just there to watch. i can't kiss a special other, 'cause i don't have any. i just watched kissing couples nearby...
i was just invited to go there. 'coz i must go there.
baywalk, manila.. that was part of history. a lot of people participated. as in, smooching sounds everywhere! couples everywhere, may it be young or old..

oh my gosh.. tomorrow is valentines day. i just don't know what to do.. im sooo excited. i am on a date... i wonder what will happen. i'll just go out with my close friend, and have some fun. i've known him since childhood days, and i can consider him as a bestfriend. he just makes me happy, coz of his corny jokes. he's also kind... i bet he has something going on with another girl. but then he says that this girl is way tooo far from him.. that is why, we are going on a date tomorrow. perhaps, just a walk, just like we used to do before..

he gave me roses in full bloom last night. i guess he read my blog... i don't know.. im just smitten.. haaaaa!!!

i just hope we'll have some fun.. tomorrow is valentines day.. spread the love!

p.s. thanks for the roses.. white.. just like the old times.. and by the way.. thanks for the yellow roses.. let's talk.

i am very smitten by ***............................. heh.

i want you to know

2005-02-14T11:21:00.000+08:00

the hedge that divide us from being total strangers to a profound colleagues of affections has melted way too easy in order to allow us express the deepest of emotions we have for each other. now that were here on the spot of a parallel world to define what we have to be when the perfect time comes, i will devote none the less all i can give to keep the spark lifetime... so lifetime that we call it the infinites of our timeless moments of laugh and tears. let us together share what the world has to offer for us.... i am bound to have u... and dat ill keep in my heart dat no one can touch or steal.

i think you want to know...

2005-02-04T12:14:00.000+08:00

i've read an article in the net talking about the colors of roses. since the valentine season is widely felt by almost everyone, i've picked up some lines from the article:

The Meaning of Roses
by: Lori L. Collvins

Black roses stand for the color of Death. Death of certain “set” ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. It signifies a major change in the future.

Purple roses stand for enhancement, magnification, opulence, majesty and glory and means I will always love you.

Lavender roses symbolize caution and the need to proceed slowly and carefully. Lavender roses also indicate a need for discretion but it also becoming widely accpeted as representing love at first sight and enhancement.

Burgundy roses mean unconscious beauty.

Lilac represents the first emotions of love.

Blue roses stand for fantasies, hoping for miracles, new opportunities and possibilities.

Orange roses indicate enthusiasm, desire and fascination. The orange rose says, "I am proud of you!" While coral roses signify desire and peach roses signify desire, anticipation, sincere appreciation and optimism for the future.

Pink roses stand for elegance, gracefulness, refinement, gentility, style and poetic romance but are combined with fun and lightheartedness. It is the rose of sweet thoughts and thank you. Pink roses also signify gratitude, sympathy and appreciation. Dark pink stands for thank you, appreciation and gratitude. Light pink roses convey admiration, sympathy, gentleness, grace, gladness, joy, friendship and sweetness. The combination of red roses and pink roses stands for strong romance and passion.

Red roses symbolize romance, beauty, respect, courage, passionate love and unity and are the most popular of all roses. Red roses also stand for the creative spirit of love, the true love stronger than thorns. True red is the Lover’s rose. Amaranth red means long-standing desire, Cardinal red means sublime desire. Carmine means false desire (not true desire). Fiery red means flames of passion. Red rosebuds are meant to reflect the beauty of a young lover and mean “pure and lovely”. Red roses in full bloom say, "I love you still." Red & White roses together signify unity or togetherness. They are given when facing a challenging life event or to celebrate a strengthening relationship. Red and yellow blended means gaiety and loyalty, jovial and happy feelings.

White roses represent unity, loyalty, reverence, humility, love stronger than death, sincerity, purity, silence and innocence as well as youthfulness. Sometimes called the "flower of light," the white rose also means spiritual love and anticipation of happiness. White roses can also be used to highlight the message of the other rose colors. White (Bridal) roses symbolize a happy love. White rosebuds can also signify girlhood or “too young to love.”

Yellow roses signify strong feelings of pure joy, gladness, happiness and friendship, but were once used to convey jealousy. Friendship is the main meaning of the yellow rose but it also signifies familiar love and domestci happiness. Yellow roses also symbolize fun and freedom. Today, the yellow rose is used to embrace a new beginning, apologize or express sympathy, and to say, "remember me" , "I am sorry', or "I care." Yellow roses are appropriate for marking the beginning of a new life together or for starting all over again. A Yellow rose with red tip indicates friendship falling in love.

that's the article.
red roses give me the thrills. i had a close friend before (and still a close friend now) who always gives me a white rose.. of course, a white rose... my all time favorite! (because of certain reasons). pink roses are cute. yes they are indeed, cute.
i don't have any plans for valentines day. i don't have any idea what will happen on valentines day.

but you know, if ever someone will send me roses, i hope that he'll give me yellow roses. coz you see, i want to start all over again.. :sigh:

but then again, the red roses in full bloom is better... :sigh:

currently smitten.. again..

a short one

2005-02-02T12:48:00.000+08:00

One of those times again. I'm not feeling too super, I've been totally unproductive the whole day, and I just want to... I don't even know what to do. Heck, I don't even know why I'm feeling a bit.. off.
Even the best person i know didn't cheer me up.
Must be the weather. Always a terrific excuse.

2005-01-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

just finished partying last saturday. we had a lot of fun actually. im in the car there. quite sleepy na.. im tired that time.. i just wondered why he didn't showed up... i don't know why..

look in2 him

2005-01-31T12:00:00.000+08:00

I like Vin Diesel
I once told a girl friend of mine that I liked Vin Diesel. She shot me this weird look and said, "But, he's bald." Then, I realized that I was so taken away by his deep voice and bulging muscles that I never really thought of his baldness, until my friend bluntly pointed out to me. Weird huh.
So my friend ended up thinking that I'm a perv for liking a bald man with only big muscles and seemingly no mind or skills. Neh, I saved the argument and let her fall into her own stereotypical logics, but I continued to like this bald sexy man in whom I saw much more than just... muscles. Mmmm... I guess sexiness and talents stay parallel for this man, and even baldness can't darken what's shining. Heh

very very busy

tortured and troubled soul

2005-01-24T07:12:00.000+08:00

I could lie and say that I'm fine and dandy. But the reality is, I'm not. I don't like pretending that nothing's this ugly or this depressing, but I know how to hide it. It's not obvious, but I'm wasted, I'm broken. There were so many things done wrong, so many things left undone and unsaid. Guilt, regret, confusion, insecurity... all running in my mind. And I can't take it anymore. One day I'm gonna be in an asylum for this, that I'm sure of.
I never expected I would be this-- a tortured and troubled soul. Really. I never planned on it, I never wanted it. I even was ready to take on the world, until sh*t kept happening.
F*ck this!

forgive me for the unkind words.

currently feeling melancholy

smitten by.. ***

2005-01-20T12:40:00.000+08:00

Here I go AGAIN. Crushing on someone who knows I exist, but DOESN'T CARE.
All this obssession is gonna be in vain. It would just be me looking and longing, but him not knowing and not caring one bit. I know that! I know that it's gonna hurt worse than hell. That I'm crazy for being this desperate and staying hopeful when everyone knows there is no hope at all.
But did I choose this? Can I stop myself from feeling these things?
NO. Love is never a choice, nor is it ever controllable.
At least, I think I'm starting to be in love...ARGH.
and it's just queer, you know.. 'coz it's the same person.. again...

currently smitten...

back to the BASICS

2005-01-16T06:51:00.000+08:00

Name- jasmine c.
Age- 18. legally a woman.
Bday- 8th august, 1986
Hobbies- eating, writing, reading stuff, chatting, hanging-out, sound tripping, shopping, sleeping
Current Job/Employment- I’m a student.. projects.. wow.. so tiring..
Hometown- makati city, phils.
Favorite things in life- food, cd’s, cheesecake, macaroni, bags, glasses, books, blogs, unexpected things.
Favorite food- pasta.. other Filipino food.
Favorite drink- water.. before, I used to drink iced tea. But then, I really have to drink water now.. for some unexplained reasons.
Favorite past time- sleeping.. I get as much sleep as I can.
Favorite movies- lord of the rings trilogy, troy, and beauty and the beast(Disney)
Who are you?-I am me.
Why are you answering this survey?- coz I wanted to.
You going out later?- yeas. I think so.. I need a break.. sometimes, I think, I need to cut my hair..
Where are you at now?-in my room.. at the front of the laptop.
What music are you listening 2 ryt now?- songs of maroon 5.
Whats your least favorite subject(s)?- the least? I think it’s gonna be math.. but then, I do good in the subject. I am NOT bragging.
Whats your favorite subject(s)?- psychology
Favorite time of the day?- evening.
Favorite place in the world?- my room here in the house..in makati
Describe yourself- unexplainable. Someone who regrets something she has done before
If you were someone else today, who would you be?- I would still be me. same old jasmine
Favorite song?- no fave.. have lots of songs that touches my soul.
Describe the people around you- thinking what’s my next move.
Do you often gaze at the stars?- yes. Im trying to find a way.. maybe the stars will help me..
Do you like long walks?- yea, I do.. it helps me think.
Do you want to continue life?- yes. I must continue it.
Define love- it makes the wisest man into an utter fool, makes the strongest man weak at the knees, and turns the strictest persons into jelly.. this phrase.. thanks sam..
Define hatred- feeling of intense animosity
Do you like to continue?- no.
What's your agenda for today?- nothing.. maybe ill go with my friends later..
Do you believe in the big man up above?- YES!
If you would be rich for a day, name 5 things you'lldo for that day.-ill go to the bank, then, I ll go to charity =), then, ill buy a new cellphone, then, ill travel with my family all around the world, then, ill put up a business.
What thing in your life would you like to throw away already?- the past.. but it seems hard to throw away.
Do you watch nickelodeon? What show in nick todo you watch?- yes. brothers garcia. all grown up.
Do you watch cartoon network? What show in CNdo you watch?- yes. Dexter’s lab.
Do you watch axn? What show in axn do youwatch?- yes. fear factor, csi, 4400, next action star, amazing race.
Do you watch WWE? Who's your favoritewrestler? What's your favorite wrestling move?- not really.. if its going to be sports, im into basketball.
What do you want to do right now?- eat.. then, sleep.
Last words for everyone to see- why? What happened???

what to do

2005-01-16T05:53:00.000+08:00

Things that make girls feel special..... ( as if guysdon't want to do that. it makes us feel special too.so give us the chance will ya!)
1.Put your arms around her waist and whisperinher ear
2.Make her feel wanted every chance you get
3.Hold her close when she's cold
4.When you are alone hold her close and kissher
5.Kiss her on the tip of her nose(it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her)
6.While in the movie, put your arm around herand then she will automatically put her head onyour shoulder,then lean in and tilt her chin and kiss her lightly
7.When she complains that her neck/shouldershurts massage it for her
8.When people diss her stand up for her
9.Look deep into her eyes and tell her you loveher
10.Lay down under the stars and put her head onyour chest so she can listen to the steady beatofyour heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper toheras she rests her eyes and listens to you

those people

2005-01-13T12:18:00.000+08:00

I should have known. I mean, everything was going okay. No big things happening, except for some that made me go on the edge and occasionally depressed me. But believe it or not, everything was generally fine, I was generally fine.
That is, until now.
I won't go dramatic or anything, to try and reason out, to fantasize. I can't deny this truth anymore. I try to be devoid of emotion, to think positive. But I don't think I will, and I'm satisfied with that.
Go ahead assholes. Ruin my life more. As if there's anything else left to it to ruin.

people can be...

2005-01-10T03:10:00.000+08:00

Now matter how guys cheat, lie and break your heart, they still make the best friends. Way better than girls, even if girls promise forever.
Last Saturday night, even after protests that I was NOT drunk, my guy friends walked me home from a party of our friend. And I appreciated how they went through all that effort, since our house was not that very near. And also since I wasn't in a very right state of mind, and that even if I'm not one of those girls guys run after, they cared enough to see that I got home alright.
It just amazes me how out of the blue, people do those simple things to you, and make you believe that even how evil this world gets, there's still nice people left. You just have to find them, and then appreciate them.

new year.. a whole new world

2005-01-04T11:46:00.000+08:00

a new year.. new things, new people, new challenges, new jokes, new get-ups, new emotions, new life..

everything's just new.

except for what i feel inside.

i just don't know what to do.

currently feeling melancholic

the year 2004...

2005-01-01T15:48:00.000+08:00

i just can't believe that the year 2004 is about to end. i mean, i can still reminisce what happened at this exact time last year. time just flies sooo fast. so fast that even i, can't track and control it perfectly.

the priest said that most people count their losses instead of their blessings. that's true. i even noticed it within myself.. that's why depression always realms within me.

i just want to thank some people who, in their simplest ways, made me happy this year:
mom-thanks for your care. i don't even know if i can move on without you and dad.
dad-thanks for your support and advice. i don't even know if i can move on without you and mom.
ate jam-i know you've been through a lot this year. but then, you always prove that you'll take care of me. sorry for the times when i tend to be sooo moody. thanks for your patience. you've been the best ate.
bunny-my bestfriend, since birth. you've helped me A LOT! thankssss!
ditz-my bestfriend, since birth. you've been there when i felt pain, and you are still there until now. i don't know what face to show to you. but then, you've always been my bestfriend. keeps no record of wrongs.
rain-thanks for the cds and cookies. yumyumyum!!!
zam-the muuusic.. thanks!!! let's practice.. ok?!
joe-my seatmate.. thanks for the jokes!
claire-even though we had some of those "kalokahan" stuff in the internet. you still are cool. sport! hahaha.. bianca.
mitch-psycho bud. always in socio.. thanks!
gunth-gunther gunther gunther!!! haaaa!!!
yanni-cousins will always be cousins.
ericz-such a baldwin. you go cuz!
wendell-yoo!! wazzup yoooo?
jack-psycho..hahahaha
kelly-cuuuuutteee dog. nice.. go to the hall sometime, ok?!
ian-wwwwwwwwwooooooaaaaaahh!
prof.tran- tHANX!
prof. bee-- you've been the best teacher! waahha!!!
prof. ran- i could just LAUGH
prof. madz-don't be mad.. puhleeeezzz!!!
helga-thank you for the text messages. hahaha..
grace-thanks for maintaining the house.
rocky-thanks for calling me on my birthday.
babes-thanks for the coutillon..
francis-wahahahahahhah!!!
drew- more wahahahahahah!!!
sammy-it was fun. thanks for all. you're such a blessing. i just hope you knew.. :sigh:

other peepz--you mean a lot to me.. but then, i have to go...

well, then, i guess the party's just started.. maingay na sa labas eh.
okies.. till next post then..

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

i realize

2004-12-29T14:48:00.000+08:00

Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists.
When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost.
That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?
Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
It is better to break one's heart than to do nothing with it.
credits: Goncourt, Erica Jong, and Margaret Kennedy
these people give me hope

NO NO NO

2004-12-29T14:30:00.000+08:00

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer, no disease that enough love will not heal, no door that enough love will not bridge, no wall that enough love will not throw down, no sin that enough love will not redeem... It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.

If only you could love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful being in the world...

--Emmet Fox

AMEN!

i am here.. i must always remember

2004-12-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

I was forewarned, and deep inside me I already knew. There was a big possibility that it would happen, and it was so obvious. Everything was telling me that what I wanted would have no say, that what I "needed" would prevail. I cannot choose, it must happen.

I do not like it. In fact, I think I am depressed beyond repair

Too often life is just too draining and too problematic and too fucked-up, I wanna cut myself and die. There really is no more reason to live.

I am alone

There's still a tiny itsy bitsy chance, but... Should I waste hoping?

all i want for christmas is...

2004-12-26T09:47:00.000+08:00

whoooooooooaaaaaaaahhhh!!!
today is december 25, 2004.. it's christmas day. we're here in the house of my lola in Tarlac. i can say that this is one hell of a christmas that everyone's here. all of us in the family are present here. my long lost cousins, titos and titas, and other family people are gathered today.. i didn't even know that i have long lost cousins. i've only met them now. this is one hell of a family reunion. in filipino: "GRABEH"
my last visit in Tarlac was last christmas 2001. and that was really, i could say, a nice visit. well, we've met a lot of people, discovered new places, did whatsoever things... well i was then a "child" who's always following her "achie's" lead.. hawhawhaw..
we have been here in Tarlac since wednesday. and i could really say that things *changed* somehow.. the grass is still green, well not so green as it was before... the wind that blows hasn't been that gentle.. but well, the trees are still bearing fruits.. the house still stands tall.. but my lola is really getting old.. she’s kinda sick, but she *hides* it. well i don’t know.. she’s always like that…
of course, christmas will never be the same if there will be no exchanging of gifts, or even food (fruit cakes), or smiles....
in our “private” noche buena in the family held during Christmas eve (12am 122504), i was so surprised (but not totally surprised.. i was expecting it.. :)) about the fact that my parents gave me a gift. well, you know, i'm 18 years old. i'm a lady… a woman.. haha.. but still, they say that i’m still going to be their baby tey-tey(that’s how they call me).. and surprisingly, my sister also gave me a gift.. i also gave my gifts to them.. typical..
we had this “bunot-bunot” thing.. much like the manito/manita in the whole family. take that---whole family. can you imagine that? i mean, it really took A LOT of time.. i gave a gift to my cousin, eric. i gave him two shirts, and two cd’s. yeah, i guess he loved it.. it’s very obvious in his smirk when he opened the gift. what did i receive? well, my cousin yanni gave me a stuffed rabbit and a handbag.. i love it.. thanks yanni.. i collect stuffed toys.. and i like rabbits too. ahhhhaaa.. memories…
and now, they’re still chatting there in the veranda. all the people in the family, may it be old or young.. i just snuck out and hide here in our(my ate and i) room.. i just like to share thoughts with you..

wow.. everyone's happy..

except for me. well i mean, i am happy because of this whole family reunion. BUT, something is really lacking.. just like one missing piece of a 1000-piece-jigsaw puzzle.

the priest in the mass said that Christmas is all about LOVE.. well, it just seems that i *lack* it..

I just hope that *you* will at least have an idea about my life.

2004-12-22T15:28:00.000+08:00

don't we look good together???

at last, i can do this again

2004-12-18T14:31:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last posted. i was REALLY busy, and i'm so preoccupied with other things. but now, at last, since it's christmas break already, i can do my "stuff" again.
Christmas time... wow. full of gifts and pleasant surprises.
i went to the mall last saturday to buy some gifts for my friends. but then, when i was in the mall, i saw him. and then, he saw me. he just said "hi" and added that he invites me to this "party". well, since he's a 'friend', i said "sure, of course i'll come". and he smiled.
i just want to share it. there's nothing really special in it.
at last, my problems came into a blur and FINALLY passed away from me. now, i feel wonder, joy, and true happiness.
true happiness... what a phrase. even i can't really define it perfectly.
what will you do if someone you met before (whom you liked so much and you also think that that person likes you) comes back to you after several months of silence or so? what i mean to say is that, what will you do if that happens? will you accept that person again? or not? or will you not do anything at all?
some say it's fate, it's destiny. some say it's serendipity. but others say that it's bad luck.
well, i don't know...
but you must ask that person first, "why just now?"

bakit ngayon ka lang?

since it's christmas break, i'm going to "reflect" about certain things. i've got to think these days. but also, i will have a break at the same time.
it doesn't really make any sense at all.
trust. define the word trust. what will you do if that certain someone doesn't even trust you at all? that that certain person even questions your identity even though you kept on telling that certain person that you are yourself?
i hate those kind of people.
my sister(ate) is nice. she helps me in some things if she can and i thank her for that. we're four in the family: dad, mom, ate, and me. we keep the "bond" strong as far as we can make it very durable; that nothing, even the sharpest saw, can even break it. i am just so thankful for my family. sister!
my friend, sandy, wants me to mention her name here in my post. well, you get your request sandy. i already mentioned your name, twice. take that--- twice. want more?---->> sandy, sandy, sandy, sandy, sandy, sandy, sandy, sandy.
just joking around. i've got nothing else to do tonight.
tomorrow. i'm going to this "party". and i have to prepare. i have to unleash the best words tomorrow evening. i must act accordingly---naturally. and i must always hold on and never let go of the "presence of my mind".

currently feeling excited, glamorous, lost, and an absolute sense of serendipity

chat

2004-12-05T13:01:00.000+08:00

When I type fast, I often end up re-arranging the letters in a word. So, when I try to type "How are you?" on ym, it often comes out as "Who are you?". I think it really pisses people off.

Soryr.

Uh, I mean, sorry.

2004-12-02T19:08:00.000+08:00

as i look into your soul, i hope you'll eventually feel the same thing.. these eyes may mislead you, but then what matters most is what i feel inside...i miss you so much...

reCOVERing

2004-12-01T13:56:00.000+08:00

yes, this week had been pretty, i could say, nasty.

regarding the issue about our family matters, you know, i just can't understand why elder people can't get what other people need. they must have a clearer understanding regarding what workers need, and fulfill other people's rights. i mean, i don't really like to meddle on certain things my (whole) family faces. i mean, i'm just me. there was something wrong in the family from the start. i knew it. being one of the Cojuangcos really pulls up my pride and ego. but then, these happenings keep me insane. i mean, how many times must i tell my other relatives that what those OLDER Cojuangcos did before doesn't really implicate that those actions are fair. i mean, in this situation/issue, im on the OTHER's side.

do i make any sense?!

i guess not.

please, bear with me. i don't feel good...

please, can someone keep me sane???

THIS WEEK

2004-11-30T11:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we believe in something so blindly, we think that it is what is right, that it cannot be wrong. We don't listen to other people, no matter what they say. We're too stubborn, we think that this is really the truth, the real thing, the right one.

But then time goes by, some things happen...

And then we realize that we were so wrong, that it was so stupid of us to even think like that. That we should have listened. That we were wrong all along.

But then we were too young, and we cannot turn back time.

this week

2004-11-30T11:20:00.000+08:00

It's funny how things (good or bad) you never ever, ever expected would happen, suddenly happen.

But it's so much funnier when you have thought about something for so long, wishing that impossible thing would happen, finally and surprisingly happens.

Sadly I have never experienced the latter.

it's been a week

2004-11-30T11:13:00.000+08:00

I feel numb.

It's really ironic how I'm a very emotional, overreacting, loud, talkative and sentimenal person and I have nothing to say. Nothing to talk about, rant about or rave about.

As in zip. Zero. Nada.

I guess this is part of being human... or I have been too aloof, amidst this crazy and dynamic world that I live in?

NO IDEA

2004-11-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

it's been a week. i'm tired, i'm annoyed, i am mad.

or am i trapped again in this thing called, "Love"?

i think i'm insane already. it just keeps hitting on my mind.

this week had been a blast. unexpected things happen. it's just like there's a dilemma hittin' on the road AGAIN. i just don't want it to happen.

i've closed my heart once. i never really had the "urge" to open it again, and now, this thing happened.

we talked. and talked and talked.

our professor said that emotions depend on your master gland in the brain, the hypothalamus. he said that when someone says "my heart says i love you", it's not THAT true. it's the hypothalamus that tells you that you love him or her.

this week... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<sigh>

i just hope that i'll meet my own Aladdin... my Aladdin...

and now, he's coming back to me, AGAIN...

now, i don't have any idea what to do.

dONE riGHTLy

2004-11-22T10:04:00.000+08:00

I have done some bad things in life. Some I regret, most I really wanted to do. No, I have not murdered someone or something that dire. But I have had my fair share. But whatever bad thing it is, I don't want to face the consequences, or let karma do its thing. I don't like it having a price. Or me having to learn my lesson, me feeling ashamed and watch as the bad things go back on me. I don't want to go through all that trouble for what seemed like a simple thing, seeing people disappointed and think badly of me. No, I just want to go on and maybe forget about it. No drama, no anything.

But let's face reality. That's just not how it works. You really have to learn. And feel guilty and despise yourself for doing it. Because it's basically bad, and bad things hurt people. Sometimes, you are hurting yourself. People naturally don't want to take the consequences of their actions. BUT WE SHOULD. We make the choice. We also take what goes with it.

Still not feeling any better though.

"It is not enough to get things done; they must be done right

fEARiNG tHiS anD tHAt

2004-11-17T10:52:00.000+08:00

You know what I fear?

That years from now, I will wake up one day and realize that my life was a big waste. That I did so many stupid things and did not do so many wonderful things. That I have a million regrets. That life was too fast I forgot to live. That I was too busy searching for materialistic things, I did not pay attention to the most important things in life. That I forgot how it was to have been a child. That I forgot all those treasured memories. That I learned many things, but then never applied them anyway. That I would realize that I never did anything in this life that was of any essence. That my life had worthless purpose and no meaning. That I missed all the things that make this life worth it. That I never touched anybody's life. That I did not love and share it, that I never loved completely, that I did not throw everything away just for love (and I mean love not only in the romantic sense). That I should have never lived at all, because I wasted it anyway.

Please, never let that happen.

hAve yOU?

2004-11-13T13:55:00.000+08:00

Have you ever stopped and looked at yourself, really looked at yourself, and feel ashamed? That you haven't noticed what you have become, and wish that you didn't allow yourself to become what you are now? That you act too impulsively and that you wish that you could just take it all back? That you were too insensitive and self-absorbed to notice what you were really doing?

I have hurt too many people already. I want to stop. I want to shut my big, fucking mouth up, even just for a day. And see how it changes everything. Because I have been too bad for too long.

rEASON

2004-11-11T18:37:00.000+08:00

I never really expected to have someone pick me up, just after I fell into the mudhole called egoism.

I never denied that I only loved myself, and that which pleases me is ultimately good. Yet to have someone reach out and believe in whatever's left of the goodness in me- I can only hide my face in self-pity and deny.

Yet still you took my hand, washed my face and picked me up. You walked by me and stood firm in your decision to be by my side. The foul smell of the monster that I was still stank, yet it never bothered.

Because to you I am still beautiful. To you I am still a human worth preserving. A human whose hand is still worth holding. A human whose heart is still worth loving.

And from there I started believing in myself. Once more, I was human.

And you are the reason.

"I shall start building my castles once more.. Only this time, I shall build them as high as the AIR, with their foundations as firm as the ground"

wHAt iF it'S uP tO uS?

2004-11-11T10:04:00.000+08:00

Would you change some things in your life?

I would. No matter how many times I tell myself to be content, to accept that nothing in this world is perfect, I just can't help it.

But then what if other people had that choice? Would your family still want you to be part of them? Would your friends still befriend you, knowing beforehand that in the future, you'll just use them? Will your boss still hire you, already knowing that you'll just turn out to be a major disappointment?

This is making me confused.

The point is, if we all had a choice, the only things left constant would probably be gravity, and all those other stuff.

But then if we all do have that choice, would it be good? Would everything be all right, since everyone's contented? NO. When everybody gets what they want (including making these choices), when people become god (and nobody deserves to be), it's the end of the world as we know it. We will all wake up to a chaotic, destructive world.

Good thing it's not up to us.

pOiNt

2004-11-10T10:16:00.000+08:00

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
Actions speak louder than words.
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff.
Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while, you might miss it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.
If you think that the world means nothing, think again. You might mean the world to someone else.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there
True friendship never ends.
Friends are forever.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
NOBODY IS PERFECT UNTIL YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM. (Isn't that the truth?)
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life. But only True friends leave footprints in your heart.

hOw cAN iT bE LiKE tHiS?

2004-11-10T09:52:00.000+08:00

I want to die.

I have no reason to live.

Everything is meaningless.

My world is falling apart.

And yet somehow I still have not shed a single tear. I manage to supress almost all the hurt inside. I guess nobody has noticed.

I try to act like everything has not changed, that I still live in the same old world, in a time where there was still no chaos and pain. Most of all, I still continue to function like I'm a normal girl. Or at least I think so.

I try to forget, but of course it is still haunting me. It's all there. All of it builds up on me, suffocating and choking me. I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want to.

But I am surprised. I don't know how I still endure, how I am still able to sort of bear it all, and continue living...

nOStaLgiC

2004-11-05T11:03:00.000+08:00

isnt that what everyone wants anyways?

to lie and be lied to?

seems like it.

_im over it_

but, am i really?

sometimes i cant believe things... sometimes things arent what you think they are. and people, just arent what you think they were.

i walk on eggshells. while you just crack them all without a care.

i try to prevent your tears from falling. while you provoke them.

only know one true and real. please stay that way. youre my rock. you keep me sane.

fiRE aND wAtER.. coLd one

2004-11-05T06:25:00.000+08:00

Cold water works best for fire.

Why charge head-on to a burning pyre, when you can always wait for the effects of cold water to douse the fiery flame?

Less effort, more impact. It is really hard to simply just stand there and do nothing. But doing nothing may really be THE answer to that snitch... Sometimes its better to calm down and just treat everything as nothing... Like letting your foot stay in that puddle of shit however unbearable the stench maybe. Because whatever way you look at it, it is still shit, and you STEPPED on it.

Because in the long run, the fire WILL die, and the stench of shit WILL eventually wash away...

bAby stEPS

2004-11-03T07:00:00.000+08:00

It is not much about the big picture.

I know, almost everyone wants to be THERE. But THERE doesn't necessarily come at a close proximity from where we are now. Like a child learning to walk, THERE is quite a journey to tread.

So we take our hands, bind them together, and hope that the walk to forever can be endured with holding hands and being one. Nothing else, except maybe for faith, love, and a pretty strong will to occupy our souls and feed us when we are in dire need.

Baby steps. Always remember that no matter how far THERE really is, it would be reached. Baby steps--short, small, but definitely sure steps towards the THERE. It may be a long way off, but it becomes closer everyday as we take the baby steps of daily recognition and acceptance. Time is of no importance in relation to the distance that we are traveling.

It is quite a mile, and no doubt it is tiring. But since the hands are already bound, there is definitely nowhere else to go but forward, and believe that THERE is what we have always pictured it to be...

*castles on air*

bE yOURSELf

2004-11-03T06:23:00.000+08:00

Welcome! well, it's my first time to write...

Well you know, i started in Xanga.com last September, but then the whole thing there just 'blow up'. I mean, I haven't been that loyal in Xanga. So, ill start it again now. HERE.

Release your thoughts and drop your apprehensions. There is only one answer and it is THE answer to everything. Never doubt yourself. As long as you have yourself, you are sure there is one person listening to you and supporting you all the way.
The answer lies within. It is never found in others, and it will never be found within them. You are searching at the wrong places. Why venture far from your treasures?Again, I tell you: Believe, and always believe in yourself. If you know that there is no spoon, then it will bend to your will. You are very, very, very limited right now. Eventually you will realize that the only boundary that you truly have is your doubt. Other than that, you have the world to conquer, and all of life to experience.

Let go of everything and be everything.

tHrOUGH tHE EyeS oF aN aNGEL

just so you know

practicum... here i come

another survey?

it's holy week

it's holy week

to the one who holds my heart

and now, i must say

and therefore, i blog again!

darkness reigns

that.STUPID.CELLPHONE!!

sigh.

after a long break.

back to love

so many things to say, a lot of things to do... and finally

finding neverland...

i feel different... and that's a good thing, i guess...

the ultimate wishlist

the battle angel...

new skin

feeling...

reflections...

to preserve or not to

DROWNING

To Me, From ME

an ending

ano ba?!

Rants.

on us pinoys

my thoughts as a child

philosophy orals

here i go again

pathetic

A dream

Blinded by love

Narcolepsy

stranded

but why am i the only one standing, stranded on the same ground?

Rhetorical Questions

Never

i'm back again... WHEE!

tralalalahs of someone who tries her best to even perk up his life... clear enough?

quotable quotes

Like being a Martyr

the DEATH

women and apples

he's not worth it

something to post here

Le Dolce Vita

i've got nothing to do..

i bURN, i piNE, i pERiSH!

what could've been

blah blahs during a sunday afternoon..

tralalalalalah...

i have to post these

ohh.. the essence of life...

*hurt* pain... it kills me...

it can't be...

AGAIN?! but, there's something more.

another letter?!

a love letter?

why do people fall in love?! why?

today is valentines day

i want you to know

i think you want to know...

a short one

look in2 him

tortured and troubled soul

smitten by.. ***

back to the BASICS

what to do

those people

people can be...

new year.. a whole new world

the year 2004...

i realize

NO NO NO

i am here.. i must always remember

all i want for christmas is...

at last, i can do this again

hurt pain... it kills me...